{A Dream: [(6)] of Madness}[7th September 1986]

[Redbook3:15-16][19860907:0612j]{A Dream: [(6)] of Madness}[7^th September 1986]

19860907.0612

[continued]

(6) In waking life, I have been unable to shake off my pre-occupation with, and resentment over, the way in which (as I believe) we have been cheated and deceived out of £30,000 of the proceeds of our flat by my [father]; and the more I think about it, the more clear it seems to me.

I think it was two nights before last that I dreamt I was in a hospital, and the a Nurse was trying to give me an injection: I was giving her a very hard time, alternately thanking her for being so patient and accusing her of malpractice; she was reacting in a human (suppressed) kind of way, which only made me furiously angry, in a way in which I can only recall having been in dreams – and usually with my dream-parents, siblings, or even a cousin. At one time I seem to recall she tried to inject me through a coat I was wearing.

A Doctor appeared: and also a detached, superior-looking fellow in a white coat who stood slightly apart, looking on in a manner both aloof and interested: even, one would say, slightly amused. I went up to him and said: 'Am I addressing...?*' He nodded; but before I had time to say (or hear) more, the Doctor called me over.

The Doctor (had?) initially pussy-footed; but suddenly his approach changed and hardened, and he began to describe the history of a pre-historic tribal boy, outcast in some way I think, whom I believe he called Mogadon**; he also slipped in a reference to one or two names and characters which silenced me completely, as I realised that these were schizophrenic symptoms of mine. In a moment of detachment I realised that my sudden silence was in itself characteristic evidence to him of my illness, of one of those typical moments of lucidity when the patient realises that he has been behaving in a fashion which is psychiatrically diseased: by a horrible irony, the moments when he is not mad are those moments when he is most acutely aware that he is. At that moment, in the terrible realisation that I was mad, I woke up.

*[Presumably a name was spoken here but not remembered]

**Isn't this a drug – perhaps for schizophrenics? <930120> [No – it is for anxiety and insomnia. <20150809>]

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