{The Church and I [continued (9)]}[4th April 1990]

[Redbook7:121][19900404:2346f]{The Church and I [continued (9)]}[4th April 1990]

19900404.2346

[continued]

It adds a little weight to this theory,* too, to note how the main events of this application can be seen as following a broadly circle-based pattern of development and decay. Although I am too tired now to follow this through, I speculate as to inner-circle rotation carrying my approach to the Church, but an outer-circle contra-rotation forming the Church’s resistance to me.

- - - -

The point where they crossed was the point where I wrote and delivered my form.**

*[See [Redbook7:118-119][19900404:2346]{The Church and I [continued (4)]}[4th April 1990]ff, & esp last previous entry but one]

**[[Redbook7:44-53][19900214:1100d]{Form MC/PS/90/1: Be My Valentine}[14th February 1990] –

the Registration Form for the Provincial Selection Panel and the Provincial Selection Board for Ordination Candidates, which is photocopied at pp 45-53 of the ms but is not reproduced in the ts]

19900405.1119

{& see III. [[Redbook3:16-18][19860907:0612k]{A Dream: [(7)] The Church Militant}[7^th September 1986],]16-18 (‘A Dream: The Church Militant’)}

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{The Church and I [continued (8)]}[4th April 1990]

[Redbook7:120][19900404:2346e]{The Church and I [continued (8)]}[4th April 1990]

19900404.2346

[continued]

At one moment during the Board meeting* I was asked: If they rejected me, would I ‘move Heaven and Earth’ to be ordained? ** I said[:] Certainly not; I tried to explain this; and ended up, rather to my own surprise, saying that I would await instructions. So that is what I shall do: instructions from the pattern of internal and external events (ie inner and outer happenings). I am already doing it, and receiving and perceiving them, and acting upon them.

All good clean fun.

- - - -

One day it might make a splendid fiction, too.

*[The Diocesan Selection Board: see [Redbook7:104-114][19900328:1738]{Tested Again}[28th March 1990]]

**{ref [[Redbook7:106-107][19900328:1738b]{Tested Again [continued]}[28th March 1990],] 106}

[continues]

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{The Church and I [continued (7)]}[4th April 1990]

[Redbook7:120][19900404:2346d]{The Church and I [continued (7)]}[4th April 1990]

19900404.2346

[continued]

This* also explains why, for the first time in my life, I can now contemplate going back to the Law, or taking a correspondence course in writing and writing for a market,* without feeling that I am betraying a trust. For the first time in my life I am** free to do what I will – and if I choose to place myself at the disposal of the Spirit, which I do, and I hope it will continue to use me, then at least I do so in the belief that now the choice really is mine.

It is a wonderful moment.

*[See [Redbook7:118-119][19900404:2346]{The Church and I [continued (4)]}[4th April 1990]ff, & esp last previous entry]

**(or at least feel!)

[continues]

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{The Church and I [continued (6)]}[4th April 1990]

[Redbook7:119][19900404:2346c]{The Church and I [continued (6)]}[4th April 1990]

19900404.2346

[continued]

My theory* is simply that my purpose at this time was to deliver the basic circle structure as an idea to the Church in a form (the Celtic Cross) and in the place where it was most likely to be taken up;** and then leave. The purpose was the purpose for me;*** it was the purpose of the autonomous archetypal Idea itself, as the clearest diverse form of the Spirit (as I believe) of God.

*[See last previous entry but one, [Redbook7:118-119][19900404:2346]{The Church and I [continued (4)]}[4th April 1990]&f]

**[But see [Redbook7:104-114][19900328:1738]{Tested Again}[28th March 1990], inc fn =****; & eg 

[Redbook7:106-107][19900328:1738b]{Tested Again [continued]}[28th March 1990];

[Redbook7:107][19900328:1738d]{Tested Again [continued (4)]}[28th March 1990]; &

[Redbook7:110-111][19900329:1440]{Tested Again [continued (10)]}[29th March 1990]]

[Wales was meant here, presumably?]

***{(cf [2], [xS]’s teaching}

[eg, perhaps: “The purpose of the Universe and of the Spiritual Kingdom is the purpose of God, the Essence, for them. The purpose of the natural World is to support the purpose for Man. The principal means by which the physical Universe supports Man's purpose are by Creation and by Evolution. The purpose for Man can only be achieved within the degree of physical separation from the One which the Universe provides. Man exists within the physical and Spiritual Worlds: he may sink with the Animals, or rise with the Angels. The purpose of (and for) the Angels is to help Man to fulfil the purpose set for him by God. The principal means by which the Spiritual Kingdom supports Man's purpose are by Love, and by Harmony. 

[One word amended; all subject to further revision]]

[continues]

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{The Church and I [continued (5)]}[4th April 1990]

[Redbook7:118-119][19900404:2346b]{The Church and I [continued (5)]}[4th April 1990]

19900404.2346

[continued]

*I have a feeling – in fact it’s a general feeling I’ve had for years – that I’m a means to someone else’s ends.

The moment of greatest significance, in the experience of it, in all this application, was when I wrote out my application form, in particular box 24** where I set out in elementary form the C[ircles] A[nalysis] and S[ynthesis] structure in Christian terms. At that moment I acted under almost obsessive compulsion – which, within a few days of sending the form, had disappeared.

Up until them every main event had gone right (although minor contra-indications, such as [the Warden for Ordinands], were growing). Since then, every main event has gone ‘wrong’ from the point of view of my entering the Church as a Minister*** – from which I feel released and relieved. I have, however, been increasingly pre-occupied since last Summer with the role of ‘prophet’ as contrasted (or combined, if that is possible) with that of Priest.

*[See last previous entry]

**ref [[Redbook7:44-53][19900214:1100d]{Form MC/PS/90/1: Be My Valentine}[14th February 1990],] 50

[See [Redbook7:110-111][19900329:1440]{Tested Again [continued (10)]}[29th March 1990]]

***[A ‘poor’ or inappropriate application form would account for that. As to the motive....]

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{The Church and I [continued (4)]}[4th April 1990]

[Redbook7:118-119][19900404:2346]{The Church and I [continued (4)]}[4th April 1990]

19900404.2346

*There is another possible explanation for all this** – not very flattering to my self-esteem,*** but quite funny in an ironic sort of way.**** It arises out of my perception of the pattern which events have followed in my relationship with the Church, here in Wales. This is set out above, over many pages, so I shall not relate it again other than in summary: the interlocking of events and ideas leading to my application,# with the strong strand for, and the weaker but growing strand against; and the way in which the Church and I have interlocked briefly and now seem to be drifting apart.#*

The idea owes something to the idea of the selfish gene. It goes something like this: The Circle pattern, C[ircles] A[nalysis] and S[ynthesis], or the Wheel of Angels (The Ophanim), is not only an archetype of pure characters (for example) and pure development – it is also the nearest thing to an archetype of pure idea. As Archetype of archetypes, it has a tremendous autonomy: hence its simultaneous re-appearance in different fields of study. An autonomous idea must in theory be capable, at least using its own constituent parts (eg sub-ideas), of moving itself by whatever means are available.

*{ref [[Redbook7:80-81][19900307:2322]{Soliciting the Future}[7th March 1990],] 81}

**[See [Redbook7:104-114][19900328:1738]{Tested Again}[28th March 1990]ff, &

[Redbook7:115-121][19900404:1531]{The Church and I}[4th April 1990]ff]

***but it is, in another way – rescuing me from pointlessness & failure <900405>

****(& quite possibly merely the product of a strong synthesising tendency)

#eg [Canon] [XQ] told [W] that on the day he put the idea of the church to me, he had not even intended to visit us; but it had been on my mind for some time.

[Underlining added later]

#*[[Redbook7:115-121][19900404:1531]{The Church and I}[4th April 1990]]

[continues]

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{The Church and I [continued (3)]}[4th April 1990]

[Redbook7:116-117][19900404:1531c]{The Church and I [continued (3)]}[4th April 1990]

19900404.1531

[continued]

*But what comes across to me from the Church, other than from [Canon][XQ] and Archbishop [F], is the terrifying blankness of their response (or lack of it): I have never had anything remotely approaching dialogue with them; it is like throwing stones into a deep, dark pond: a few ripples, and then silence. Although I can think of several good reasons why they might have rejected me, and a few bad (or mistaken) ones, I still have not the faintest idea what were the actual reasons. And the more I re-read the core of [the Warden for Ordinands]’ letter** – ‘This further period of searching and prayer might prove to be most beneficial.’ – the more true it seems of everybody.

– “Might”?

*[See last previous entry]

**[[Redbook7:104-114][19900328:1738]{Tested Again}[28th March 1990]]

[continues]

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{The Church and I [continued]}[4th April 1990]

[Redbook7:116-117][19900404:1531b]{The Church and I [continued]}[4th April 1990]

19900404.1531

[continued]

*But I have lost nothing by this year of waiting.**

I have compressed into a year Christian reading (and Greek) which would have probably spread over years or forever otherwise; and I shall continue this at least during this year, intending to finish the New Jerusalem Bible (and notes), the Greek (and Latin), and read some more Encyclopaedia Britannica articles*** before I go back to more general reading.

I have also thought with particular concentration about the Church, adding to the previous consideration of Christ and Spirituality.

Finally, I have been in the end utterly prepared, despite my knowledge of the personal disadvantages**** it seemed likely to involve, to commit not just my loyalty but my whole life to Christ and the service of God’s people in the way which the Spirit seemed to be indicating was right – and that is no small thing, a matter never forgotten.

I think that many of the things I would have said and done in the Ministry I shall now do and say sooner (and possibly better – certainly more freely) outside it.#

*[See last previous entry]

**{Except some secular study, and some time in offering the house for sale.}

***{Not much study recently....}

****{& some advantages....}

#{Oh?}

[continues]

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{The Church and I}[4th April 1990]

[Redbook7:115-121][19900404:1531]{The Church and I}[4th April 1990]

19900404.1531

I feel that the Church and I, having met at the moment of greatest interconnection, are now drifting apart: to everything there is a time, and that time must be seized on the chance, or the opportunity foregone.

When I see the Archbishop,* on the 3^rd of May, I do not expect the result to be that I go to the residential selection course in July of this year; nor do I think it very likely that I shall be presenting myself again to the Diocesan Selection Board in a year’s time.

It is possible, however, that that in another part of the Country, I shall consider Lay Readership in a few years’ time; possibly even the non-stipendiary Ministry some years after that, if it is not too late.

*[Redbook7:107][19900328:1738d]{Tested Again [continued (4)]}[28th March 1990]

[continues]

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{Dream: A Shop with [xS]}[3rd April 1990]

[Redbook7:114-115][19900403:1001b]{Dream: A Shop with [xS]}[3rd April 1990]

19900401.1005

[continued]

This morning I had a dream which seemed to involve a young girl with short blonde hair, over whose shoulder I was looking, starting up a shop *(all glass and daylight) in a modern shopping precinct* in a foreign country** (Japan?): at first the shop was virtually empty, but after some while it began to fill up*** with persons [sic] who seemed (or now seem) to be both models (or mannequins) and customers **** at the same time. It was, I think, only when I received a momentarily rather physical and characteristic sense of this young girl that I realised she was [xS](R~); at that point the dream ended.

#

I had gone to bed with a feeling of peace; and this(?) developed into a slight but significant sense of integrity which, I think, accompanied my recognition of [xS] in the dream, and whose traces are with me now.

I have sent off [2] to a new independent publisher, Sinclair-Stevenson, with a chatty handwritten letter (!) instead of the usual business-like note: it will be obvious why I have done this now.#*

*This line [in the ms – between the * & * in the ts] (& my memory of the dream shop: large windows, and other similar shops nearby) sits fairly well with the T[ourist] I[nformation] C[entre] at Llan[...]: see Vol. XVI [] <930817>

**ref tourism? <930817>

[or just a different place – and a different culture, as Llan[...] is from the area around [CH]]

***This was the pattern of the T[ourist] I[nformation] C[entre] [at Llan[...]] from its opening to date. <930817>

****{NB!}

ie ? a T[ourist] I[nformation] C[entre] does not just sell things to its customers but makes them [the customers?] part of its product/service...? <930817>

[Or possibly that its real customers are its client accommodation-providers, who are also on display to the buying tourist customers]

[It is of course also applicable to the writing of fiction about people, who read the fiction....]

#{See Vol [] XVI (esp [] 306)}

{See also [[Redbook7:253-254][19900827:1017b]{Dream: Of a Golden Girl}[27th August 1990],] 253}

#*{Unsuccessfully}

[Presumably, ‘this’ is the sending of [2] to a publisher, not the manner of doing so.]

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{Dream: Searching Dream Memories}[3rd April 1990]

[Redbook7:114][19900403:1001]{Dream: Searching Dream Memories}[3rd April 1990]

19900403.1001

In a dream a few nights ago I seemed to be searching through memories of earlier dreams, unremembered when I am awake, for reference to current waking circumstances. (I have done a certain amount of this in relation to remembered dreams, while I have been awake, lately.)

Last night I seemed to find the memory of a past dream, unremembered while I was awake, which involved the house and location which we visited yesterday evening, where our new builder lives. This seemed in some way to validate his future work for us.*

It is, of course, impossible to say whether earlier dreams were really involved: it would be fascinating if they were.

*{Hmmm.... It did work out OK – just.}

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{Tested Again [continued (14)]}[1st April 1990]

[Redbook7:113-114][19900401:1005]{Tested Again [continued (14)]}[1st April 1990]

19900401.1005

‘Anyone who wants to save his life will lose it; but anyone who loses his life for my sake, will save it.’*

This gives me confidence to set out open-eyed on the outer circle, for others’ sake,** as I think Jesus did after the Transfiguration.***

([Canon] [XQ] told me on the telephone last night that the Archbishop wanted to see me.)****

*L[u]k[e] 9:12 (N[ew] J[erusalem] B[ible]

**{ie Ordination}

***(L[u]k[e] 9:28-36)

[See earlier Vol(s?) [] – Gospel Circles?]

****[[Redbook7:107][19900328:1738d]{Tested Again [continued (4)]}[28th March 1990]]

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{Tested Again [continued (13)]}[29th March 1990]

[Redbook7:113][19900329:2357b]{Tested Again [continued (13)]}[29th March 1990]

.2357

[continued]

Now I feel at peace; the healing peace of Love, the Peace of God, the waking integrity of having helped[,] in Love – because on the way back, I stopped to deliver a *certificate to [C], and said that if she wanted to go out for a drink, if it wasn’t too soon, I would gladly go with her; and although she declined – because she had done so yesterday, and become miserable – she was obviously pleased, and suggested next week instead, to which of course I agreed happily.**

Do I have to be a Vicar to do that?

*[Welsh language course completion, presumably]

**But I didn’t go.... <900521>

{and haven’t called on her since....}

[Possibly because by that time (& as a special journey) it might have seemed to be a different thing?]

[continues]

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