{Personal Circles [continued (4)]}[12th September 1989]

[Redbook6:237-238][19890912:1140d]{Personal Circles [continued (4)]}[12th September 1989]

.1140

[continued]

What scuppered it* were two things: my parents’ total refusal to let me live on their [...] acres of woodlands and fields in [...], even in a caravan, even when they were not there but living in their London house; and my strong and stupid sense of duty to them and to the world in general to pay my way, and in particular to pay them for my way and to help them in the short and long term to bail them[selves] out of the quite unnecessary financial and marital difficulties into which they had got themselves** (They were at all times, even now, I should guess, securely among the wealthier couples, in capital terms, in their wealthy part of the World; and they were at all times and remain now effectively together:*** but their inability to see the world straight, to love disinterestedly**** and to harmonise with their fellow Humans has done immense damage to themselves, to their families, and to some of their acquaintances).

Their decision – and it was one that both agreed upon – was and is harder for me to accept because both my younger brother [B] (for a while) and my cousin [Z] (again and again to this day) were permitted to do exactly what I had been refused permission to do – live down there in house or caravan – in both cases drawing Social Security happily when needed; and my youngest sister [L] has been doing the same now for some years, heavily subsidised by having stables built for her polo ponies, etc (she has just taken on a friend’s polo ponies at livery, £80 p[er] w[eek] each, and is on the way to earning a living at it). I certainly bear them# no ill-will for being able to live there{;} but what interests me is why my parents should have been so determined for me to set out on the Outer Circle route rather than the Inner Circle, for the start of my working life, when everything that I clearly said that I wanted to do went against it.

#*

*[See last previous entry]

**{ie to pay their way}

***[They did eventually separate completely]

****[Not uninterestedly, NB!]

#{ie [B], [Z], [L]}

#*[cf [Redbook6:241][19890912:1140h]{(C & A[~])}[12th September 1989]]

[continues]

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