(A RELAPSE)[4th April 1987]

[Redbook3:94][19870404:1005](A RELAPSE)[4th April 1987]

19870404.1005

In a notebook of this... I re-start: in this notebook, it is essential to be truthful, and to leave nothing out that is relevant. I may well include things that are not relevant. I doubt if I can achieve the perfection of the diarist ([The] Times, yesterday) who included not a trace of self-justification; but that is certainly a standard to aim for.

Yesterday was a relapse*: towards evening I found myself mentally explaining the property deal to a sympathetic relation, and later considering an insult by my father against me in front of [W] (which, as usual, I had failed to notice at the time)**; these mental experiences induced old and very physical (diaphragm?)*** feelings of bitterness and resentment, until I realised what was happening and attempted to overcome them. Very briefly this morning the same thing happened, until I became absorbed in considering the implications in (and for?) the Circles, and a dream this morning.

*(not from truthfulness: from development.)

(I was unable to settle down enough to write, yesterday.)

**I am glad to say that I cannot now recall it. <930331>

***at other times, upper front neck (glands?) (= depression?).

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