{The Burden}[27th May 1988]

[Redbook5:126-127][19880527:2240e]{The Burden}[27th May 1988]

19880527.2240

[continued]

There are times – let me say this only as a reassurance to others – there are times when the burden of existence seems insufferable: when my efforts to forgive seem to have failed, like everything else I have done, when money problems loom large, and the biggest of them is [CH (house)] itself.

These are the times when I have been too long – even a few days – involved in outer things not motivated or guided by the Inner Truth or Quality which pours through the gaps in my certainty as the rain poured through the holes in our conservatory roof: like an upside-down colander. The bigger the holes – the Uncertainty* – the greater the Truth: Truth not as fact, but as Quality.

The burdens come from certainties: that material things need to be done, that there is not enough money to do them, that nothing has outwardly succeeded, and that my parents have betrayed us.

Relief comes with that blessed Uncertainty: that I know little or nothing, that anything may be possible, that I may be called to do everything – or nothing. It is not my role to judge the truth or otherwise of what I have to say:** that is up to the listeners, the readers. *** I just have to say it, and my responsibility is simply to allow it to be said effectively.

'He has in mind

A bondage to a different kind,

To vacant force.'#

*[See last previous entry but one: [Redbook5:124-125][19880527:2240c]{Uncertainty[: The Presence of the Moment]}[27th May 1988].]

**[See last two previous entries.]

***This high ideal is remarkable difficult to adhere to when faced with (for example) The Church. <891009>

#Christopher Logue: 'The Poet Mandel'sh[t]am's Debut' (stuck in front of me on my desk).

[PostedBlogger23for25042018]