{A Dream: Of Loss}[28th March 1987]

[Redbook3:51-52][19870328:2207]{A Dream: Of Loss}[28^th March 1987]

.2207

(LITERARY CONCERNS)

Some weeks ago – just a day or two after I had written of xS's dance in “[2]”, and was worried that I had “seen what we should not”*, I had a dream, which, if I recall correctly, went something like this and seemed significant: I was bouncing on a pogo stick**. Someone asked me my name, and I told him. The next moment I was crouching behind a low wall, hiding and listening. As I put my ear to the wall I heard a voice (possibly that of the person who had asked me my name?) speaking, and I felt great grief at it: 'I have done nothing of which I am ashamed....' (?/to be ashamed of?). I removed my head from the wall, and stared at it, incredulous; I could no longer hear the voice. I put my head back to the wall. The sense of grief and loss was intense: as though someone had died, unnecessarily.

When I awoke I considered the pogo stick to be an apt symbol of my own spiritual development. As to the rest, two possibilities occurred to me: that it referred to my worries over xS's dance [in [2]]; or that it referred to a public figure who had gone missing, and remains missing, of whom I think, and for whom I hope.***

*[Macbeth.5.1.46-47: Go to, go to; you have known what you should not.]

**[cf.[Redbook2:307-311][19831024:1000f]{Dream: The Peace of God [continued(4)]}[24^th October 1983]][The pogo stick seems a possible metaphor for a spiritually 'up-and-down' alternation, but also of course for any cyclical movement or wave. <930120>]

***This evening, on BBC1, I caught the end of Terry Waite's description of his mock execution in captivity in Lebanon, just before which he had told his captors – believing that he was going to die – that he regretted nothing that he had done.... It was largely because of this dream that I came in the end to fear that he had been executed, while hoping that he had not, and said so on several occasions. <911222> I note also Terry [Waite]'s account of how he deliberately cultivated his Unconscious and gained comfort from his dreams in captivity, in which his friends and family visited him. <911222>

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