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[continued]

I can remember one particular morning at [C] – at [C] and on [the] Hill I used to pass at times into an ecstatic, almost trance-like state of inward and outward awareness among the hills, trees and Sky: I am not sure when that was, but probably between about early? or mid? 1970s to about 1980-1982. During these moments I would occasionally become intensely aware of the underlying unity of it all, in a spiritual and Wordsworthian sense*.

But at one moment – and I think there was only one – I became suddenly and intensely aware of a Divine sense, separate from and within my own, looking out on the World through my eyes, so that my eyes were informing two awarenesses. Not for one moment did this feel like Schizophrenia: the awarenesses were not side by side, but concentric, and the Divine sense, although separately identifiable, did not give me any sense of needing to protect my individuality from it; it might well have known all there was to know of me, and I felt that I knew, or experienced, something of its quality.** If I remember rightly, this happened while I was looking out from my attic front room*** window at [C].****

*['And I have felt

A presence that disturbs me with the joy

Of elevated thoughts; a sense sublime

Of something far more deeply interfused,

Whose dwelling is the light of setting suns,

And the round ocean, and the living air,

And the blue sky, and in the mind of man,

A motion and a spirit, that impels

All thinking things, all objects of all thought,

And rolls through all things. Therefore am I still

A lover of the meadows and the woods,

And mountains....'

(William Wordsworth, from

'Lines written a few miles above Tintern Abbey,

on revisiting the banks of the Wye during a tour,

July 13, 1798.')]

**[It is perhaps appropriate to point out here that if the model which is set out in this journal is valid, the experience described in this paragraph should be potential within everyone. <20151130>]

***(Now my younger sister [L]'s.) <930112>

****{Possibly not.}

I do not feel that any of these states are described exactly in Vols I-II – perhaps for the same reason as given in the note (of 870815) to p113 [of this Volume III]. <870816>

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(DEVELOPMENT [continued(4)])[29th March 1987]

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[continued]

Wandering through the streets of London, during holidays or vacations, I would sometimes pass into a phase or condition of intense love in a diffuse and general sense, associated with, I think, a heightened awareness of movement, colours, sound etc. over the whole field of each sense (but without suffering, as I did much later, from a battering on the senses by too much stimulation). Some of this loopiness must have been apparent in my expression: people used to stare at me in the street. When I picked this out [sic], my mood would change to one of less diffusion, greater concentration: then people would not stare at me. 

I think that the last period during which I remember this sort of thing happening was as late as 1982, when I was employed in Knightsbridge and used to walk home from work: by that time, however, the inner attention was occupied less by inner love of the world around me (I don't mean that earlier on I 'loved the world' in a material sense, but in a 'religious' sense: I did not want it for myself, but in a way wanted myself to be for it) – at the later stage, inner visions and sounds related to what I was writing filled my attention; but people still stared at me.

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(DEVELOPMENT [continued(3)])[29th March 1987]

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[continued]

It* was, I believe, connected in some way with my decision to start writing**. At the age of about sixteen, an extraordinary change comes over boys: they grow up and become capable of civilisation***, noticeably when you live among them. Kenneth Tynan, I believe it was, said that every author's first novel is about the author as Christ or Faust. I used to say that my first completed book – The Gift****, in its re-incarnated form as [0] – was about the author as Christ and Faust, or perhaps I should now say Christ, Faust and Mephistopheles, in the sense that all these Archetypes are picked out of one's own unconscious in the process of writing. Unlike (I presume) Tynan, though, I do not aspire to pass from this condition, merely to develop it; although I expect to veil these Archetypes in later books. The ultimate book, of course(!), consists of blank sheets of paper.

Gradually these wonderings became merged into the structure underlying the books I wrote**** *, which until [0] were all really experiments, and all seemed to deal in some way with personal inner development. All of them before [0] can be thrown away, along with (and especially) the short stories; but “[+]” has a special place as the first which I felt was relatively complete in itself and of a sufficient standard to be an adequate vehicle. But the structure underlying has enabled me to answer the juvenile wondering without, on the one hand, losing my grasp of or grip on external reality, or, on the other hand, cutting myself off from inner realities. I do not place myself **** ** at any particular point on the Circles, least of all the +C point, but I suspect a tendency or link with one point more than others**** ***

*[See last previous entry]

**Yes: the question ended just about the time when the writing began; and the writing very soon produced +C. <890929>

***(by each other as a group, not just by parents and teachers.)

****[fiction]

**** *(Did they? I don't remember this.) <870401>

**** **(i.e. permanently) <880805>

**** ***[Presumably approximately 225 degrees clockwise, 135 degrees anti-clockwise, from +C.<201510c>]

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(DEVELOPMENT [continued])[29th March 1987]

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[continued]

More significant [sic], I had the experience which I now understand to be quite common among youngsters, of wondering whether I was special in some quasi-messianic sense (I have recently thought that if I or anyone else* in the future were to attach undue significance to that, or inflate me in similar ways, I should simply point out that I have apparently incurable piles – I'm not sure how to spell the medical term – and leave it at that). It is worth considering this form of experience and wondering why it is common and, in some cases, long-lasting. Tentatively, I suggest that it may be the expression of an early and unconscious recognition of the Spirit of God within each of us, manifesting itself in recognisable human form as the Archetype Christ. It is not often easy for youngsters to distinguish different aspects within themselves: each of them will appear to be 'me'. Some adults, of course, believe themselves to be Christ, or Napoleon, or Hitler: we generally classify them as insane, since it is obvious to us that they are not what they think they are.

I went on occasionally wondering if I was special in that quasi-messianic sense for long enough for it to become worrying**. When, if I remember rightly, I was about sixteen or seventeen at [my secondary school], it seemed obvious that this was just an attempt by a schoolboy who was not too good at work, games or other people, to restore the balance in his own favour. I embarrassed myself by it. I now think that my tentative suggestion of recognition is by far the better explanation.

*[Hope springs....]

**Not the question, but the fact of asking – was worrying at the time. <930122>

[It is worth bearing in mind too the likely effect on impressionable young minds of the emphasis laid by Christianity on the inner or spiritual realisation of Christ as a person by the Individual. Christian worship and teaching were typically taken fairly seriously at private schools at that time. <20151126>]

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(DEVELOPMENT)[29th March 1987]

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[continued]

From a very early age, I had an interest in religion of an inward, not very Churchy, sort. Clearly it was Church-inspired (and I seem to recall my mother reading me stories from a picture-book of Jesus' life). But I have generally tended to find Church and [school] Chapel services rather tedious, although some of the hymns were very fine.

At my preparatory boarding school, when I was about eight or nine, I used to try to make it rain, in order to miss games, and believed I could do so*; I have my doubts now about the intellectual capacity of the nine-year-old to control such experiments with sufficient rigour, but it perhaps indicates an open mind, in one sense at least.**

*[...sometimes. It rained a lot....]

**[And a refusal to take Nothing for an answer (i.e. to learn)? <870813>]

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(THE CIRCLES [continued(3)])[29th March 1987]

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[continued]

I love these expressions: 'Inner Circle' and 'Outer Circle'. Long before all this occurred to me, I found the names tremendously evocative – of something unknown. Regent's Park in London has them still; but when I was very young, there were still some old people around who who referred to the Circle Line of the London Underground as the Inner Circle. The reason for this was that there was at one time a route or service known as the Outer Circle, which weaved its way through the shallow cuttings and over the chimney pots of the Victorian suburbs. I believe its route varied according to the politics and traffic of the independent railway companies whose lines it used; I am not sure that it ever actually achieved full circlehood in anything but name. There may even have been a Middle Circle, projected or rudimentary, at one time: I am not sure).

Public transport lobbyists and enthusiasts have occasionally called for the restoration of the Outer Circle along one route or another, to link the suburbs; it could probably be re-instated with relatively little expense (although the lower Thames crossing could prove a problem), but no one has ever really been able to demonstrate convincingly a need for such a service today.*

*[An outer circle route along roughly the lines originally proposed, if memory is correct, for the Middle Circle was created by a new link line in the Bishopsgate area of inner East London (on the edge of the City) in 2010. However, the circular service made possible by this link was not introduced at the time, and at about the same time the Circle Line (or service) of London Underground was withdrawn, although the spurs or link lines which made it possible remained in place.]

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(THE CIRCLES [continued])[29th March 1987]

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[continued]

When I say (19870328)* that I feel at all times the ability to reject the whole thing, quite freely, I am also aware of what this would involve: the deliberate veiling of the Spirit within, which even** now I know only imperfectly. I believe that I could do it: in fact I believe that unless I concentrate on it***, it may happen, but whether I would do it deliberately is quite another matter. The preservation of intellectual detachment (which others might not recognise as such) is a balancing act, perhaps more so than the see-saw as which I have represented it (19870328).**** It brings dangers: the intellect is, I believe, a quality or characteristic of starting on the Outer Circle, at least in a certain mode of use (ref. Ordination, and the Chariot). Too much concentration on intellectual analysis could weight or overbalance progress onto the Outer Circle instead of the Inner Circle.

*[[Redbook3:47][19870328:1627](MENTAL STATES)[28^th March 1987]]

**[!]

***i.e. on not letting this happen. <930122>

****[[Redbook3:51-52][19870328:2207]{A Dream: Of Loss}[28^th March 1987]]

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(THE CIRCLES)[29th March 1987]

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Union with God*, as discussed (I believe) by St. John of the Cross and others, must be, for a Human living within the Separation, relative, not absolute – I should have thought. Love, and the deliberate choice of Love, marks the beginning of the movement specifically towards Union. Given the relative nature of Union within the Separation, the Inner Circle progress may in fact take the form of a spiral: each Station being present on each revolution of the spiral, but each revolution bringing the traveller nearer to the Centre.

(Similarly, the Outer Circle progress may consist of (i.e. be represented on) a series of spirals, or perhaps more helpfully a set of concentric circles, from each of which to the next outer or inner(?)** the traveller may 'jump' at certain points. This representation allows for the fact that while many (or all) people go round the Outer Circle, and many go more than once, I am not convinced that each progress takes one further from the centre, necessarily. However, I don't really know.)

*[The meaning of the concept 'God' is discussed elsewhere.]

**[circle, presumably.]

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{Fictions}[28th March 1987]

[Redbook3:52-53][19870328:2207b]{Fictions}[28^th March 1987]

.2207

[continued]

Worries over the books arise because I know they are flawed, in several ways. For a start, they are not what publishers want. This does not worry me at all, now; what does concern me is that in an effort to make them what I thought publishers wanted, I edited and re-edited [0] (and to a lesser extent [1]) to such a degree that I am afraid much of the original clarity of vision may have been lost. On the other hand, it may not be impossible for such a vision to to have been built up in layers over time. How can I tell? And what can I do about it?

Secondly, they are not very well written. I am afraid this does not bother me as much as no doubt it should.

Thirdly, they are distorted by my own intellectual processes and other personal factors. This is much more serious and applies I think most strongly to [0] (as above). In [2], I realised what was happening and restored direct speech of archetypes to the original versions, wherever I felt I could. The original versions will, of course, also have been distorted in this way, but probably not so much.

Fourthly, the process of dealing with these matters by works of fiction, and the symbolism(s) involved, although both essential (I believe) to enable me to discover and understand these matters at all, distort the Reality as any way of looking at the World must.

So the books are at least four times flawed.

(GMT)

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{A Dream: Of Loss}[28th March 1987]

[Redbook3:51-52][19870328:2207]{A Dream: Of Loss}[28^th March 1987]

.2207

(LITERARY CONCERNS)

Some weeks ago – just a day or two after I had written of xS's dance in “[2]”, and was worried that I had “seen what we should not”*, I had a dream, which, if I recall correctly, went something like this and seemed significant: I was bouncing on a pogo stick**. Someone asked me my name, and I told him. The next moment I was crouching behind a low wall, hiding and listening. As I put my ear to the wall I heard a voice (possibly that of the person who had asked me my name?) speaking, and I felt great grief at it: 'I have done nothing of which I am ashamed....' (?/to be ashamed of?). I removed my head from the wall, and stared at it, incredulous; I could no longer hear the voice. I put my head back to the wall. The sense of grief and loss was intense: as though someone had died, unnecessarily.

When I awoke I considered the pogo stick to be an apt symbol of my own spiritual development. As to the rest, two possibilities occurred to me: that it referred to my worries over xS's dance [in [2]]; or that it referred to a public figure who had gone missing, and remains missing, of whom I think, and for whom I hope.***

*[Macbeth.5.1.46-47: Go to, go to; you have known what you should not.]

**[cf.[Redbook2:307-311][19831024:1000f]{Dream: The Peace of God [continued(4)]}[24^th October 1983]][The pogo stick seems a possible metaphor for a spiritually 'up-and-down' alternation, but also of course for any cyclical movement or wave. <930120>]

***This evening, on BBC1, I caught the end of Terry Waite's description of his mock execution in captivity in Lebanon, just before which he had told his captors – believing that he was going to die – that he regretted nothing that he had done.... It was largely because of this dream that I came in the end to fear that he had been executed, while hoping that he had not, and said so on several occasions. <911222> I note also Terry [Waite]'s account of how he deliberately cultivated his Unconscious and gained comfort from his dreams in captivity, in which his friends and family visited him. <911222>

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(POLITICAL NATIONALISM [continued(4)])[28th March 1987]

[Redbook3:50-51][19870328:2010d](POLITICAL NATIONALISM [continued(4)])[28^th March 1987]

.2010

[continued]

In fairness, it must be pointed out that the same hypocrisies* often attach to patriotism of political Nations such as the U.K. when they are in conflict with other, external Nation-states – or, for that matter, in dealing with national minorities within their own territories.

The post-war U.K. record in dealing with national minorities within Britain is not, so far as I can tell, all that bad; so far as Ulster is concerned, reasonably good intentions during the last twenty years seem to have been let down by the actions of individuals from time to time, within the context of conflicting minorities.

This aspect** of externally-directed patriotism was apparent during the Falklands war in some Press coverage. The Argentinian invasion was embarrassing***, and the attitude of some other States did not encourage humility; but the major justifications for re-capture were first, and least****, the need to draw the line in the interests of World order and peace; but second, and greatest, the obligation, if practically possible, to assist people, ordinary individuals, whose fundamental freedoms were being cynically (and nationalistically) stolen from them without any just cause. Argentina's actions in governing the Falklands, and (much more) its record in Welsh Patagonia and in the matter of the disappearances, made rescue essential, if it was practically possible.

*[See last previous entry.]

**(i.e. hypocrisy) <870401>

***[to the U.K., presumably.]

****(of the two) <[84]0403>

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(POLITICAL NATIONALISM [continued(3)])[28th March 1987]

[Redbook3:49-50][19870328:2010c](POLITICAL NATIONALISM [continued(3)])[28^th March 1987]

.2010

[continued]

It may be that I am being unfair to Separatists. It may be that the polarity between Unity and Separation accounts at least partly for my antagonism towards them – always remembering that in the fundamental polarity, personal choice is crucial. But – and this may also be explicable in terms of the fundamental polarity of Unity and Separation – I catch about Separatists within the British Isles the unmistakeable whiff of hypocrisy: of doubtful ends justifying evil means, and of fantasy taking control over perceptions of reality.

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(POLITICAL NATIONALISM [continued])[28th March 1987]

[Redbook3:49][19870328:2010b](POLITICAL NATIONALISM [continued])[28^th March 1987]

.2010

[continued]

What those who sympathise with Separatism should ask is: how will the individual be better off? Individual emigration within (or from) a Union is often advanced as an indication of Unionist neglect of of the separating region. But it generally continues after Separation. Regions differ, for many reasons, in what they can offer the Individual within the circumstances of a particular period. Individuals like to be free to move: that freedom is one of the most important ways of developing oneself. It is often hard to say to what extent a man has been compelled to leave by lack of opportunity at home, or attracted to leave by greater opportunity elsewhere. We all, or almost all, leave our homes at some stage of our development: some go further than others. It has been suggested that Enterprise leaves, Resentment stays at home. However that may be, the Emigrant, so far as Separatists are concerned, generally ceases to exist as a voter.

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(POLITICAL NATIONALISM)[28th March 1987]

[Redbook3:47-51][19870328:2010](POLITICAL NATIONALISM)[28^th March 1987]

.2010

I think this may be one reason why I instinctively distrust political Nationalism, when it appears within part of an existing political organisation (such as Britain). Its other name in these circumstances, Separatism, gives the game away: nationalist movements within regions of a political nation have an interest in emphasising the separation dividing their own people from others, especially when, for various reasons, separatism ceases to be a means to various ends and becomes an end in itself. Before long, any who work for greater unities (such as the United Kingdom of Great Britain and *Ireland, instead of Ireland; or perhaps one day for the European Community, instead of the UK?) may be considered traitors – in the latter case, to the nation of the past; in the former case, to the political nation of the future which does not yet even exist.

These cases are riddled with problems and paradoxes: but on the whole, the trend towards democratic unity of 'pluralist' societies seems preferable to the fragmenting tendencies of Separatism.

So much of Separatist argument seems so desperately unfair, in the sense dishonest and selective: when political separatism calls cultural and (by implication) racial separatism in its support, every undesirable fact of the present can be blamed on the Union, and every good thing attributed to the natural resilience of the oppressed people, the Nation-to-be. Separate Nationhood, never having been tested (or having existed too far in the past to be remembered) can claim all potential excellence. Once achieved, of course, it can re-write History in the Separatist cause: all evils of the years of Union may be blamed automatically on the Union, since the Union, even in a democratic State, exercised all potential** power, by definition; and any regressive tendencies towards re-Union may be suppressed as acts of treason. Genuinely divided loyalties are beyond nationalist comprehension, even being, sometimes, outlawed. Pluralism is in jeopardy, and individuals are expected to conform to the Nation's mores.

*[Northern, presumably, unless looking back to the period leading up to the foundation of Eire.]

**[and actual, presumably]

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