{Pre-marital Sexual Intercourse}[25th April 1968]

[Redbook1:30-35][19680425:0915]{Pre-marital Sexual Intercourse}[25th April 1968][Age 16]

9.15a.m.

            I am writing this in the first study period morning.  I had an idea this morning which I wanted to get down as quickly as possible lest I forget it, so I brought the book into school with me -- I only hope nobody sees it lying around and wants to look at it, because I shall have to say "no" and explain my negative.

            The question is premarital sexual intercourse, about which there was so much controversy a short time ago.  Let me say at once that I am not trying to dictate to anybody the principles by which they should work -- I'm only trying to clarify my own thoughts on the subject (This is how all the good, influential sermons begin).

            There are four courses open to "the young unmarried".  He/She may decide not to sleep with anyone till marriage, or to sleep only with the person he/she intends to marry, or to sleep only with people with whom he/she is in love, or to sleep with anyone who takes his/her fancy.

            Sleeping with anyone who takes one's fancy is, I think, rather a stupid, and even suicidal (in that it kills the source of enjoyment) course to take.  The experience of having sexual intercourse with someone has been described to me as the most beautiful thing on earth -- but it can be divided like anything else.  Men who are simply looking for sexual excitement and feeling can get that perfectly well from masturbation.  There is still some guilty feeling about masturbation, but I think it is misplaced; if there is no God, then there is nothing to stop one's use of "nature’s" own "gift" to men, but if there is a God, then I don't think he would have provided a hand to fit a phallus so exactly had he not meant to use it.  I am sure that the ability to masturbate serves a good purpose -- by channelling off man's energies and desires into harmless and easy activities, it serves to protect the more beautiful and perhaps sacred aspect of sex -- sexual intercourse -- safe from the contempt that is bred by familiarity.  In other words, I would rather satisfy myself frequently by masturbation then by sexual intercourse -- the former can be "devalued" much less than the latter, as the former is much less of a spiritual experience than the latter.  It is a proven fact (I think) that men who sleep with women a lot generally grow tired of it quite quickly, but go on with it because, very often, they cannot think of anything else to do.  (Oddly enough, this doesn't always seem to apply to married couples -- perhaps it doesn't apply when both parties are in love with each other).  I understand that for women the problem is different, since they don't suffer from the same lasts as men.  But if they do over-use their right to sleep with men, the same results would, I think, occur.

            The other extreme course is not to sleep with anyone until one's marriage, and then (presumably) only with one's husband/wife.  I think that this, too, is unwise, especially for men.  Men often fall in love with a woman because she is mysterious -- there is something they want.  But they often find that once they've got it -- i.e. slept with the girl -- they don't want it any more.  If they discover this during engagement then they can still break it off, but if they only discover after marriage it is generally too late without a divorce, which I abhor for reasons I shall give later.  Whether the problem is the same for women I don't know, but I imagine it is.

            The idea of having sexual intercourse only with those one intends to marry is praiseworthy, but it seems a pity if one loves someone but knows one cannot marry them or if one has not discussed it yet -- though the former case is rare, the latter is common -- one may love someone, but only decide if one wants to live with him/her after having had sexual intercourse with him/her.  It is also very important not to feel bound to marry someone after having had sexual intercourse with him/her.

            Therefore, I think that it is best to have sexual intercourse with people one loves very much, to find out whether one would like to live with him/her.  It is much better to find out before marriage -- even before engagement.  Males should use masturbation for physical sexual thrills, and reserve sexual intercourse for a more spiritual type of love.

            This all sounds fine in theory, but in practice, of course, there are many obstacles.  For one thing, the social prejudices of this age, though they can be worn away in time, will not at present look favourably on man and woman living together before marriage to find out whether they are suited to each other.  Secondly, if social prejudices were got rid of there would be a lot of less intelligent people who would take advantage of "the new immorality" to do exactly what I discouraged earlier -- using the other sex as sex-machines.  This would be against their own interests, as I have pointed out above, but also against the interest of everyone else in that the sexual licence would continue after marriage.  The whole point of relaxed controls before marriage is to increase the sanctity of marriage itself.  Many of the broken marriages of today are due, I feel sure, to overhasty marriages in the first passion of a temporary love.  If couples can have the opportunity to find out all there is to know about each other before marrying, and to experiment with the married state before marriage, I am certain there would be fewer broken homes, fewer divorces, and fewer maladjusted children.  This is why divorce is so terrible; it is sad to hear supposedly loving couples quarrelling, but it is tragic to see their children deteriorating as their family life deteriorates around them.

            These, then, are the measures I hope to see taken -- not by legislation, but by the people as a whole.  Firstly, social prejudice should clamp down on the kind of person who uses the opposite sex as sex-machines, but should be sympathetic with couples (who are obviously hoping to marry) living together to find out whether marriage will work for them.  Secondly, contraceptives should be made easily available, on the National Health if necessary, to stop the flow of illegitimate births, and sex education (both biological and sociological) should be given to unmixed classes of pupils in adolescence (they must be unmixed so that both get the idea that their sexual company must be given away with discrimination and not carelessly).  Thirdly, the sacrosanct image of the marriage and the family -- especially the family -- must be built up by the Church and other suitable mass communications systems.  Divorces should remain easy to get, but should be looked on as a kind of stigma.

            In this way, by encouraging pre-marital sex within limits, I hope we shall discourage the various marital complications -- such as adultery, divorce, wife swapping, etc. -- which have such a bad effect on children.  Wife swapping may indeed be a good way to save a marriage from collapse, but marriages really should not be entered upon if such results are likely to occur.

            It really is time that someone did a proper survey on all the things that go to make up a marriage -- length of engagement, length of time during which couples knew each other before marriage, whether there was premarital intercourse, number of children, and so on -- and related these factors to the success of the marriage.  Obviously such a task will be fraught with complications, but I think the interest of the results would well repay the trouble taken in obtaining them.

            I went down to the bank today and got a New Tenpence piece and a new Five Pence piece.  They are already showing signs of wear on their faces if one holds them up to artificial light.  I couldn't get all I wanted because the bank (Barclay’s) had orders not to get rid of them too quickly, apparently.  I am desperately saving up all the old coins I can -- I want to try and get a complete set of all coins from 1900 if I can.

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