{Decline}[16th January 1984]

[Redbook2:326][19840116:2400d]{Decline}[16^th January 1984]

19840116.2400

[continues]

I realised recently – during our break for building after Christmas – that I had once again become too immersed in the business, in the immediate time [sic], but that also – and more worryingly – signs and indications showed that I had over a longer period – or seemed to have – declined from levels of development achieved earlier.

This danger was perceived before this course was taken; but the course had still to be taken as, for all the intensity of my reaction to my earlier situation, no further progress seemed possible within it. The trap in this 'freer' life was always to let the means become the end; I hope that I have passed the major crisis and recognised it, and will recognise it if it comes again.

A result of this is that in our theoretically busiest month, I am pretty relaxed; but expecting something, waiting for something which (as usual) I cannot pick to pick me.

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