{Communion}[3rd January 1988]

[Redbook4:281-284][19880103:1211b]{Communion}[3rd January 1988]

19880103.1211

[continued]

Last night, on the edge of sleep I think, I suddenly recalled most vividly a series of night-time dreams or experiences which I thought and think date from our time in Scotland – although I was trying to remember exactly when.* The experience was of being in intimate communion with a young man. This communion was felt with all or many parts of my being: e.g. mental, emotional, spiritual (I believe), and physical (including, by implication rather than overtly, sexual). What I now think, remembering the experience, was that my whole being became intimately involved with his.**

My reaction (as I awoke?) was of fear and rejection. Bearing in mind that I was in bed at the time, I reacted as though I had found myself in bed with a man, i.e. (in the perverted way we now perceive things)*** involved in a homosexual experience (I speculate that my terror of homosexuality arises out of an early awareness by myself and my parents of my spiritually balanced nature, i.e. in terms of of the two hemispheres, and my not unwarranted fear that their distorted perception would condemn me and despise me for a homosexual).

I think it must have been because of that immediate reaction of fear that I seem to have successfully suppressed the memory of this recurrent experience. It is possible, of course, that it is a 'false' memory, arising now: but I very much doubt it, and in any case the experience itself stands vividly enough in memory to be valid whenever it occurred.

*cf. Christmas ([church] service) 24-5/12/1986 (Vol III [[Redbook3:25-26][19870326:1543d]{The Round House [continued(3)]}[26^th March 1987]]), in [Scotland]. <930823>

**{cf. [[Redbook4:78-81][19871002:2245c]{Spiritual Fusion}[2nd October 1987],] 78}

***{(e.g 150 years ago and more, men often had to share beds in inns.)}

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