{Helplessness}[31st July 1987]

[Redbook4:49-50][19870731:1000]{Helplessness}[31st July 1987]

19870731:1000

The thing that comes across most clearly* is the Individual's utter helplessness – my utter helplessness – of myself. It is hard for me to admit it, even here, but of myself I have no power to escape the ties of the Outer Circle: which, material** though their pre-occupations may be, are mental. Only continued focus on God can help me. I mean this quite practically, and despite my ignorance of what God is, or means.***

These comments arise out of the sequence by which the sublimity of yesterday's entry was followed by the sterility of practical constraints, earning work and D-I-Y repair work to be done, people coming to stay, a baby**** expected within a month or so – to the point at which even my beloved [W]'s and [d]'s chatter seemed unendurable, so heightened had become my senses and sensitivities.

Acute inner conflict was the result: depression first, no doubt due to a Jungian dis-integration, then frustration as awareness of the cause moved from the intellectual to the direct. As a matter of practice, I find that only continual focus on God has power to alleviate this: but at the peak of the cycle – it does seem cyclical – even that is not always sufficient to avoid the drowning of the inner sound by the outer noise. The distractions closest to us are most difficult to resist#: those that involve our finer feelings. [W] understands this; without her help I should go round the bend, perhaps. Of myself I am helpless. But ultimately, that continual focus, continual awareness of the presence, is the only thing.#**

*[See last previous entry.]

**[In the sense within materialistic, presumably, not in the sense similar to significant.]

***[N.B.. (Editorial emphasis added here in view of the frequent use of the term 'God' around this time in these Journals.)]

****[=] [s]!

#cf.[[Redbook4:52][19870804:1320]{A Dream: Of a Fear of Flying}[8^th August 1987],]52

#*{Or just round in circles?}

#**cf.III.[[Redbook3:201-202][19870416:1730f]{Quality relationships (3): Dynamic Independence [continued(6)]}[16th April 1987],]202;

IV.[[Redbook4:10][19870705:2100c]{The Theme of Themes}[5^th July 1987],]10

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