{A Dream: Return through the Tunnel [continued(3)]}[6th August 1985]

[Redbook2:367-371[19850806:2138c]{A Dream: Return through the Tunnel [continued(3)]}[6^th August 1985]

19850806.2138

[continued]

Given the several* retrospectively-recognised symbols of death, some previously encountered (like the tunnel with light at the end) and some not so but logical (like the collapsing face with dominant dark eyes), it is a matter of distress – if any connection can be made – that such acute conflict should have been felt. There are a number of possible reasons for this: the mood in which I went to bed; my present concentration on material things (possibly leading to fear of death); and my father's suggestion a few years ago that relatives would think (as I believe at least one has) that we were friendly with [S[G]] because we wanted to be left money. This last suggestion did produce acute conflict in me: I hated the idea of being thought motivated by this desire, could not bring myself to stop seeing [S[G]] simply for fear of that opinion, and of course (once the suggestion had been made) could not visit [S[G]] without worrying about it. I should be delighted to be left money by anybody, but have no expectation of it from [S[G]]: we recently and deliberately asked her to witness our signatures on the lease of the flat to us, explaining to her that by completing the purchase we would be financially enabled. But this rather poisonous suggestion by my father did produce conflict [in me] and may have affected the tone of the dream.**

The appearance of the face (if there is any connection) might also be thought distressing, except that it was only the material face which was collapsing: the eyes, as windows perhaps to that which was within, had grown in importance, and X was alert and aware and communicative, if rather forceful. It might be a logical corollary of my present (and temporary) materialistic pre-occupations that I should see a spiritual process such as Death, in happier times seen spiritually, now in its material aspect primarily, and fear it materialistically, producing the acute sense of conflict.

It's an unfortunate fact that although my time at [the Trade Association] – and I suppose before that at [the Accountants] – produced personal conflict, partly arising out of my unwillingness to commit myself wholly to the work, being self-employed raised the stress levels by necessitating exactly that personal commitment. <930110>

*[See entry before last previous entry.]

**[Worth mentioning here I think that [S[G]] had been close to the writer and his immediate family for as long as anyone could remember.]

[continues]

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