{Dream: ‘I am a member of the Church, and I demand to be heard.’}[24th September 1990]

[Redbook7:327-329][19900924:0605]{Dream: ‘I am a member of the Church, and I demand to be heard.’}[24th September 1990]

.0605

It’s not often these days that I have a dream so powerful, so urgent, that I have to get up at once to attempt to record it.

*I am at the Diocesan Office (I presume) of the Church: speaking from the doorway into the office to an official whom I do not recognise. I am angry:** asking something about my unsuccessful candidacy for ordination in the Church […] (perhaps why my letter of nearly five months ago, and my copy and reminder of about one and a half moths ago, have not been answered; or perhaps just why I was not accepted: I don’t recall).

At some stage he says that *** I lacked social skills: that I was ‘wooden’ in my dealings with other people. I point out the circumstances which led to this – the (bureaucratic and formal) nature of the proceedings, and the long waiting period, to none of which I am accustomed nowadays. I also tell him, becoming more angry, that this is the third reason I have been given for my rejection.**** This seems to disconcert him: he goes off to talk to someone.

I am taken to wait outside a door, inside which I think that either Archbishop or Assistant Bishop is at work. Gradually it emerges that I am in the wings of a kind of stage, off which this door leads. The Archbishop hurries past (from another door), towards the front of the stage, nodding in a friendly way. I continue to wait.

The Assistant Bishop suddenly emerges pulling on his episcopal vestments (of some sort) as if to go to a service. He sees me but moves straight past me towards the front of the stage, and I realise that he is the last to join the line of Bishops for some sort of prayer.#

I am monetarily confused, but follow him towards the front of the stage, then#* move off sideways between a few rows of chairs facing the hall – mostly empty, but I am in a bit of a hurry and have some difficulty getting through, knocking (over?) one or two chairs near the side.

I go to the back of the hall and wander round looking for a seat. Despite the fact that the hall is practically empty, it is difficult at first to find a seat which I can sit in.#** I sit eventually next to some children(?) but my clothes at first trail in their food – for this is not after all a religious service, but lunch.

Suddenly (where, I am not sure) I am facing the Assistant Bishop. It has become clear that my social ‘woodenness’ was in relation to the other candidates before the interview: that we were being observed by a ‘plant’ among them. #*** I tell the Assistant Bishop: (You fool,) I was praying. #**** I tell him that the Church has no business telling lies. I say: ‘This has nothing to do with … (me as a candidate for ordination). I am a member of the church and I demand to be heard!’

##

*In this Dream...

**But I am detached from my anger: it is not personal, merely functional.

***(it was because)

****(I suppose this is taking the formal letter of rejection, and the reply to my request for further explanation, as two different reasons: or perhaps I have in mind the impact of my [application] form itself, (ref eg [[Redbook7:44-53][19900214:1100d]{Form MC/PS/90/1: Be My Valentine}[14th February 1990],] 50, 51), as an unwritten factor I my rejection)

#(The Governing Body of the Church […] met in […] on Wed[nesday] & Thu[rsday] last week: I had other engagements, the first day having been fixed before I knew of the G[overning] B[ody].)

#*(ie in order to)

#**(Not only is this a potent symbol for non-acceptance, it actually happened to me at the last Governing Body (which was over-full), where a clergyman had a go at me for sitting in the members’ [sic] part of the hall!)

{& cf dream: VI?...[]}

#***(Although I really don’t suppose for a moment that there was a ‘plant’, it is a curious fact that – I being last but one – when I went back {to the waiting room} to pick up my coat, the final candidate – an older man, for the lay ministry – was chatting to the officials.)

#****(There may be more before the final sentence, which I have forgotten)

##(I think as I was writing this, the magnetic ‘pull’ of the final declaration made me forget some of the preceding part of this dream)

[continued]

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