{Diversity}[29th October 1969]

[Redbook1:88][19691029:0000]{Diversity}[29th October 1969]

Wednesday 29th October 1969

            [....]

           

I should like to see Britain as a sort of model for the world, a cultural melting-pot of races which would produce its own art and life, completely different from any national culture.

            Unfortunately, I doubt whether the conditions will be right for it in this or the next generation.

            Britain needs a role, a sense of purpose, to replace her “imperial destiny”.  We are too introverted; we suffocate.  We could find such a role as leaders of a movement for world unity.

           

[PostedBlogger29for30102012]

{Personal philosophy}[28th August 1969]

[Redbook1:87][19690828:1920]{Personal philosophy}[28th August 1969]

Thursday 28th July 1969

7.20 pm

            A chapter of personal philosophy is worth volumes of other people's.

[PostedBlogger29102012]

{Welfare and workmanship}[28th July 1969]

[Redbook1:87][19690728:1115]{Welfare and workmanship}[28th July 1969]

Monday 28th July 1969

11.15 pm

            (I was called away before I could start Friday's entry, and now I cannot remember what I wanted to write.)

            Why is it that although Man is becoming technologically more advanced, the standard of workmanship of minor things -- washing machines, cars, electrical repairs and so on – is declining?  Is it something to do with the economy becoming less competitive and more welfare-orientated (unemployment benefit etc.)?  I hope not, or I shall have to rethink a lot. 

[PostedBlogger28102012]

{A blank entry}[25th July 1969]

[Redbook1:87][19690725:1745]{A blank entry}[25th July 1969]

Friday 25th July 1969

5.45pm.

--

[PostedBlogger27102012]

{A Philosophy of Experience}[26th May 1969]

[Redbook1:8586][19690526:1530]{A Philosophy of Experience}[26th May 1969][Age 18]

Monday 26th May 1969

3.30.p.m.

            Thank God for broadened interests!  To be able to follow up my own interests in my own fashion, in my own time, without being bothered by academic pressures too much.  (Only three weeks till Economics ‘A’ level -- help!)

            I am following up my interest in ESP, and I hope to do the same for Astronomy shortly.  I also hope to use my new knowledge of applied economics for my history syllabus.

            I am also gradually developing a philosophy of life which I have the cheek to call my own -- though of course it must be directly or indirectly formed by outside influences which I can at most merely interpret in my own way.

            Now that my form in the school has dissolved, I am discovering the house much more, and I am trying to get behind the facades people have put up ads to find out why they have created their own personal barriers against the world.  One does not expose such barriers in public, but one uses one's knowledge of them to help the people concerned if possible.

            I have been reading up on ESP; and I have found via books and via people, much evidence which would, I think, be acceptable in courts, for life after death in the form of partial joining with a unique grouping of all the dead "souls" or psyches of humanity at least.  This would be logical: life in a bodily form may be one of the best ways of getting the experience of a lifetime which makes Man human (?)  -- When each human has gained such a lifetime's experience, he would join the collective entity.  It is a theory only, of course; but I like it.  It fits the psychic experiences of men.  It might also preclude the awakening of the psychic sense of telepathy for all men, since that would presumably spoil the gathering of experience by the individual humans -- or would it?

[PostedBlogger26102012]

{Stichomancer}[26th April 1969]

[Redbook1:84][19690426:2000]{Stichomancer}[26th April 1969][Age 17]

Saturday 26th April 1969

8.p.m.

‘So I opened the book, not knowing what to do; I let the book fall open, just any old book, and with my eyes shut I poked with my finger.  I opened my eyes.  The passage I had landed upon read “Stichomancy, the hope of inspiration from opening a book at random and selecting a passage in the same fashion, is completely without scientific basis or foundation, and is considered worthless today.”  It was the last straw.  What else could I do?  After a fashion, the method had worked: I had never felt more alone or friendless; I made my decision.  Quickly pulling out the gun, I pointed it at my head and pulled the trigger.’

[PostedBlogger25102012]

{Communication}[25th March 1969]

[Redbook1:83][19690325:0000]{Communication}[25th March 1969][Age 17]

Tuesday 25th March1969

            Communication is the essence of humanity.

            [PostedBlogger24102012]

{Population and immigration}[15th March 1969]

[Redbook1:82-83][19690315:0000]{Population and immigration}[15th March 1969][Age 17]

Saturday 15th March1969

            The successful politician judges his allies and himself by their motives and his enemies by their actions.

            These are some of the things that I, from my layman’s point of view, think should be done by the government.  I shall, I hope, outline more of my views later.

            Population and immigration are closely connected, I think.  Firstly, as my father says often, the proportion of immigrants which a country can bear is about 10% or under.  What I don't think he realises is that this proportion, the proportion that can be suffered, is variable: it is inversely proportionate to the population [density?] of the area.  I have as yet no statistical proof of this, but I base it as a theory on the territorial instinct of Man, who becomes more violent the less space he has for manoeuvring in.  The whole question of immigration (and of student violence) is therefore tied in with town planning, etc. – i.e. the soothing psychological effect of running water, and the irritant effect of traffic noise.

            Short-term: All immigration should be stopped -- we are overcrowded enough as it is.  When we move into the Common market, of course, we will have to open our gates to European immigrants.  Meanwhile, the government should offer out-of-work immigrants incentives to return to their homelands i.e. free passages.  They should subsidise and encourage the movement of such immigrants into areas with a low quota of immigrants -- especially those with different coloured skins, who can be easily distinguished.  The government should also withdraw family allowances, with a maximum of publicity, over a period of c.10 years.  Contraceptives should be made available freely, and if necessary subsidised or put on the NHS -- how can we worry about [sexual] morality when our whole democratic way of life is at stake, as it is?  That measure should lessen the number of abortions.

            For the long-term, education must be carefully watched -- the key administrators must be integrationalists [sic].

[PostedBlogger23102012]

{Healing streams}[14th March 1969]

[Redbook1:81][19690314:1730]{Healing streams}[14th March 1969][Age 17]

Friday 14th March1969

5.30 pm

            The housemaster has just told me that U.I. have asked that I take the scholarship again – I had a vague hope that they might let me in without it, but I didn’t really expect it.  To be asked even that is encouraging; but the Senior Tutor told me that they never held previous exam performances against candidates. 

            Would not our great towns be made much more pleasant by sending clear running water through them?  In London, all our smaller rivers are underground and filthy.  This is a pity.  People like water, especially running water, and a few clean streams running above ground at points would help to reduce the tension and frustration of life in the big cities.

[PostedBlogger22102012]

{Space Imperialism}[13th March 1969]

[Redbook1:80][19690213:0000a]{Space Imperialism}[13th March 1969][Age 17]

Thursday 13th March1969. [continued]

            While it is sad that Europe is not in the Space Race, I don’t think we need to worry too much about colonies on other planets in other systems being ruled by other powers.  Firstly, by the time real space exploration is possible Europe should have caught up. Secondly, in the early stage at least, communications will be so difficult that imperial rule should be impossible over economically self-supporting worlds.

            NB This new plastic [see previous section] could revolutionise aircraft and space – and train – development.

[PostedBlogger21102012]

{Nuclear war dream}[13th March 1969]

[Redbook1:80][19690213:0000]{Nuclear war dream}[13th March 1969][Age 17]

Thursday 13th March1969.

            £62m. Trade gap; Imports up £35m (or £37m?), Exports down £7m.  Tough budget expected -- possibility of more deflation.

            Clashes on Israel-Egypt border.

            New substance discovered at Farnham (? - /Farnborough?) R.A.F. -- carbon impregnated plastic stronger (twice as strong?) as steel but ¼ of the weight.  Fears that U.S.A. will develop it.

            Apollo IX landing, only 10 seconds late (/early?).  (Apollo IX tested lunar moonbug.)

            Something has happened in Pakistan -- I think President Ayub Khan has either resigned or been rejected.

            House of Commons: Nigeria: 27(?) votes pro-Govt., 62 against.

                        (10.00 pm news)

            Last Sunday morning I dreamt I was caught in a nuclear explosion.  It was the first time.  I hope it will be the last.

            N.B. I had had oysters for the first time the night before!  Q.E.D.?

[PostedBlogger20102012]

{Dreaming and memory}[12th February 1969]

[Redbook1:77-79][19690212:0000]{Dreaming and memory}[12th February 1969][Age 17]

Wednesday 12th January {=February?] 1969.

            If dreaming is the assimilation by the subconscious of conscious memory, held over in a sort of "holding bank", then what happens when one remembers a dream?  The act of remembering the dream would itself be dreamt -- transferred -- a few nights later, and if that 2nd dream was remembered, that memory would have to be transferred to the subconscious in a 3rd dream!  And so on....

            But this does not happen.  Why?  (1) (Most likely) One remembers so little of one's dreams that one is unlikely to have to repeat more than once, or (2) There is some kind of straining mechanism which rejects false memories -- memories of dreams -- after the second time.  In other words, one may remember an impression, and one may remember that dream which "occurred" while that impression was being transferred -- though the two may have no connection in one's mind.  But one will not remember the 2nd dream which “occurred” as one transferred the first dream to one's subconscious memory.

            The other alternative (!)  is that dreams bear so little relation to the memories they transfer that one does not connect the two -- so the second dream is remembered but not connected with the first (which it transfers).  There are two objections to this: (1) the number of dreams to be transferred ought to grow steadily, if every remembered dream would "echo" for any length of time, and since memory itself is something which grows with practice. (2) it is illogical -- why should the dreams be different from their memories?

            Since I remember more dreams on some nights than others, could it be that when I do remember some it is because I have so many impressions waiting to be transferred that my dreaming time extends to a point nearer that point at which I wake up than normal?  In other words, does it mean I am short of sleep?  (Theory only).

            Surely the art of memory is that of holding something in one's conscious mind until it can be transferred to the subconscious, and also that of withdrawing that piece of information from the subconscious to the conscious when needed, and putting it back again when it is finished with.  Or perhaps the last stage is unnecessary -- only an impression, a copy, is withdrawn, leaving the original in the subconscious?  This would explain why people recite something before they go to sleep, and find it helps them to remember it -- they are refreshing the conscious mind, which soon afterwards transfers the memory to the subconscious (while dreaming).

            The whole idea of pattern in memory intrigues me -- There was the man with a near-perfect memory who saw his memory as a street with houses, each one containing an association.  When I did ’O’ level Geography, 2 1/2 years ago, I was taught the South Yorkshire and Derbyshire rivers, flowing into the Humber -- possibly the most complicated complex to remember in England -- by a mnemonic (spelt?!): S.U.N.O.W.A.C.D.T.,  giving (from the north) Swale, Ure, Nidd, Ouse, Wharfe, Aire, Calder, Derwent, Trent.  That is not a perfect memory, because I have left out (a) the Don river and (b) the river that flows S.W. from the Yorks. Moors.  But it isn't bad.  Any other river I would have learned painstakingly by "photographing" a map in my head.  In other words I already have two important kinds of memory -- photographic and ... or do I?  My memory of SUNOWACDT (or was it OSUNOWACDT DO?),  if imperfect, was also photographic. 

So perhaps, in my memory the photographic element is the basic -- perhaps the only -- element: that, and its associations.  I would like to learn to develop it.  At the moment my memory is occasionally brilliant, but always erratic!

Lack of time is my handicap: I open this book full of ideas, and desperate lest I should lose the inspirations; I only have time to write one down, then I have to get on with my work.

Again, I may start something in the first flush of enthusiasm, without realising what a long job it is, and then get bored half way through and feel I have to finish it -- so it becomes a drag to write and hence a drag to read (expressive word, drag -- one of my few concessions!).

[PostedBlogger19102012]

{Germany Divided}[10th February 1969]

[Redbook1:75-76][19690210:1400a]{Germany Divided}[10th February 1969][Age 17]

Monday 10th February 1969.

2.00 p.m. [continued]

            The East Germans have imposed a ban on road and rail (but not air) travel to West Berlin on all members of the Federal Assembly, who will elect a new Federal President.  This ban is (supposedly) temporary.

            I think the Russians are right to keep the two parts separate, though I am not sure how much good it will do; and I deplore the way they treat the people of E.  Germany who attempt to cross.  No doubt they reason that the policy of division must be absolute to be any good at all, and they may be right: refugees moving into W.  Germany could cause the very economic conditions which preceded the rise of Hitler and the last war.  Nevertheless it is wrong that so much human misery should be necessary.  The alternatives then seem to be (1) the present situation, with total division, or (2) a total breakdown of frontier barriers, as in a united Europe, which would take some time.  It should be preceded by absorption of W. Germany -- politically – into E.E.C. and E.F.T.A., and of E. Germany into the Warsaw Pact countries; when and only when these two sectors have lost their individuality entirely in their respective groupings can the barriers come down with any degree of safety.

This assumes, of course, that the Germans need to be divided at all.  I once thought that it was not right to keep humans in bondage even for fear of them -- as a group, that is -- but the human race seems to have learned the lesson of "twice bit, thrice shy” with regard to the Germans.  Whether environmental factors would produce the same result a third time I just do not know, but I do believe that, from a human point of view, the suffering of the E. Germans is wrong.  Nevertheless, it is in England's interest that the present situation should survive, for W. Germany, or so I am told by K.J.D., my economics teacher, now seeks Britain to replace E. Germany as her industrial partner in the E.E.C..  So if I were England's [sic] Prime Minister, with a mandate to support Britain's interests, I would squash my humane principles, hypocrite that I am.

[PostedBlogger18102012]

{A Personal Crossroads}[10th February 1969]

[Redbook1:74-75][19690210:1400]{A Personal Crossroads}[10th February 1969][Age 17]

Monday 10th February 1969.

2.00 p.m.

            I and at or approaching a crossroads larger than usual, though life is full of decisions.  This one is over my career.

            An academic life is out.  I feel constricted between the walls of dry scholarship already, so to make it my career would be unwise.  I should be so overcome by a sense of my own futility that I would not be able to put into my work the interest that would be necessary even for, say, teaching railway history, were such a subject available.  The only reason I want to go to Cambridge -- which desire may seem to contradict what I have said above -- is because this is still part of education, not career.  I want to learn how to think -- D suggested that, but it seems a very good reason (on thinking it over?!).

            I could go into private enterprise -- industry and commerce -- where I think that, once my interest was aroused, I have the makings of a first-class "businessman", if there is such a thing, of the old school; whether I could cope effectively with the modern techniques I am not certain, but I think I could use them effectively.  I am heartened by being told by Mr. A, head of the Business Studies dept.,  that what the next generation of businessmen will most want is creativity.  That's me -- I hope and think.

            I could join British Railways, where my heart lies, and work my way to the top.  The money would be less, the prestige would be less, but responsibility would be greater, though the job itself would be safe if one got "in" with the Minister of Transport.  On the other hand, I may be too interested to serve effectively in a physically contacting railway system -- I would tend to become depressed by the signs of such physical contraction, whatever the balance-sheets say.

            Perhaps I should go off and work abroad, in a developing area where the railway system also may develop -- Central Africa, say, or the U.S.S.R..  The call of far places is strong, but my quite unrealistic and idiotic love for Britain and its peoples is stronger still.

            Should I become a politician?  I have the makings of a statesman, I sometimes think, and I am certain that my understanding of people is good.  I am also a bit of a visionary.  Yet could I stand the idea of having my people throw me out of office, because they could not see things as I do, or because I was a bad mass media personality?  Successful politicians must needs be detached enough to endure the cutting-off of their work at the whim of the electorate; could I be so detached?

[PostedBlogger17102012]

{Morbid curiosity}[19th January 1969]

[Redbook1:71-73][19690119:0000a]{Morbid curiosity}[19th January 1969][Age 17]

Sunday 19th January 1969.

{continued]

Boredom is, I think, responsible for much of the eccentric and unusual behaviour of the male human -- especially the adolescent male human.  There is in most males a deep, dormant desire for the exciting, the strange, the unreal in reality.  It is easily awakened.  It is also present to a certain extent in women.  In its best form, it will cause a human to devote his[/her] spare time to a worthy cause like Oxfam or the W.[R.?]V.S..  In its worst form, it leads students to allow themselves to lose identity by being swept up in a mass movement of violence for a worthy cause like Vietnam.  It is most clearly seen in the crowds that go to look at the scene of an aeroplane crash, or the Torrey Canyon oil slicks.  They have been castigated as morons, and Giles of the Express has drawn them with donkeys’ heads, standing on the cliffs of Cornwall, watching the oil

We are unfair on them.  They are merely responding to a deep call which they do not understand.  Superficially, it is the appeal of the extraordinary to the mediocre -- or why do we go to watch Ben Hur or the Juggling Jacobinis?  Our lives are dull and featureless, especially in Suburbia, and anything unusual gives the brain the stimulation it craves -- i.e. it dispels boredom.  But if we go deeper, we see that it appeals to the Urge that, anthropologists and psychologists say, drives man to feel happiest when he is out and about actively protecting the home.  What outlet is there for this instinct on an office stool?  Hence every small boy's dream of being Superman; hence many adolescents’ dreams of rescuing fair damsels; hence, by one logical step, the desire of men to go and see the scene of a disaster -- the nearest poor alternative to the real life of protection and active usefulness.  As for the women, I am not so sure.  Perhaps, their chief instinct being for the protection of the home internally, they also are stimulated mentally by seeing life and homes and families broken.  This is not morbid, it is merely a natural hunger.  The natural urge of a soldier who has a weapon is to use it -- see autobiographies in the Second World War -- and the natural urge of someone with a natural urge which is dedicated towards a certain end -- internal or external security -- must surely be to find something to combat with that natural urge {-- the dedicated one}. The Welfare State could be the greatest threat to Peace and Civilisation we have known internally for a long time.  Man and Woman must protect the security of the family against something; and if the Welfare State takes away the proper threats to their security -- poverty etc -- they will (a) rely on the Welfare State and (b) turn their protective instincts on something else -- such as Vietnam, with violence, or the scene of a crash, to convince them that they might be needed yet.  They will need some convincing.  You cannot turn a natural drive off just like that, simply by destroying the need for it.

[PostedBlogger16102012]

{Results}[19th January 1969]

[Redbook1:71][19690119:0000]{Results}[19th January 1969][Age 17]

Sunday 19th January 1969.

I should perhaps explain that I got my “A” levels – two “B””U”s to add to the one “C” I got in Latin Translation and Roman History a year and a half ago.  The “B”s at “A” level are what mattered; the “Unclassifieds” at “S” level are a pity. They presaged my next result.  The two “B””U”s were in History and English.

A term later, encouraged by my 'A' level success, [teacher]s' reserved confidence, and the knowledge that I possessed another year, I failed to get into Cambridge – U[...] I[...].  since one or two boys whom I would judge to be of superior ability – notably EH and GS – failed to get in also, but one or two boys whom I thought even less academic than myself -- notably QG, KS and DG (closed exhibition) -- got in, I am not too concerned over the results.  Nevertheless, it was a disappointment.

I am now studying Economics, ostensibly for "A" level, England 1600 – 1900, ostensibly for Oxbridge, and Business Studies and English Literature, for my own interest.

I am now a house captain at [school], since a week before the end of last term.  If I had got to Cambridge, I would not have stayed here.

[PostedBlogger15102012]

{Personal and political responsibility}[17th January 1969]

[Redbook1:69-70][19690117:0000]{Personal and political responsibility}[17th January 1969][Age 17]

Friday 17th January 1969.

            Much of the pride and hate at present circulating in the world seems to be based on the assumption that responsibility can be inherited.  One must never lose sight of the fact that every human entity is an individual, and must be judged by his own action and inaction -- not by those of his parents, brothers, or sons.

            [The headmaster] recently gave a sermon in which he catalogued, among other things, the good things for which Britain had been responsible: [sic] defeating the Germans’ evil in the Second World War was the main one, and I would not deny the importance of that.  The fact that over ninety per cent of his audience -- he was speaking in the College Chapel -- were born after the War seems to have escaped him, for he said that "we", as a country, could be proud of that achievement.  I can in no way feel proud for myself in that achievement, since I was not even conceived of then.  He also mentioned the giving-away of the British Empire; I was alive then, true, but I had no sentience of politics, so how can I feel proud of that great, if forced and involuntary achievement?  Indeed, in my naivety, I then resented the break-up of the Empire; I cannot blame my unformed mind, but can I now take pride in something I opposed then?

Similarly, one cannot in all fairness dislike the Germans, as my parents do -- with justifiable emotion, considering their war-time experiences -- on the basis of their parents' evils.  Heredity and environment may transmit those evils to the new generation; one may expect it, but one must not assume that this will happen until it obviously has happened, otherwise one may encourage it.  Black sons must not hate white sons for being white, because their white grandfathers hated the black grandfathers for being black; by their actions both sides must be judged, not by their inheritance.  The Black Africa policy is a wicked example of using the colonial grandfathers’ deeds to decide the fate of their white grandsons, for political purposes.

Moreover, I may not take pride in my country being the first to produce a VTOL aircraft.  True, my money built it, but was it my decision?  If I could have kept the money and have done without the aircraft, I would have done just that.

On the other hand, if my country's trade gap worsens it may be my fault for not doing my utmost to make myself more productive, or even to throw out the government (by legal methods).  If my country's foreign policy is, in my opinion, inhuman, then I should do all I can to have it changed, within reason.  Apathy is no excuse; but I must not allow the means to become more evil than the end [ie thing to be removed (2.1.70)].  The safety of one individual is as important as that of a thousand, or of any one other, so the dead in Vietnam are no excuse for injury to an innocent bystander.

Nationalism is as nothing, save as a tool for the protection of the Individual.  If my country orbits the moon, I must not feel proud as an individual or as a nation, but I can and ought to do so as a human -- until we meet other sentient races.  In that case, it must be regarded as a triumph for Intelligence.

[PostedBlogger14102012]

{Change of direction}[5th January 1969]

[Redbook1:67-68][19690105:0000]{Change of direction}[5th January 1969][Age 17]

Sunday 5th January 1969

             I think that it is pointless to keep this up at a daily record except when the mood strikes me; otherwise it becomes a bore, and I leave it for long periods. – And the quality of the writing and thought deteriorates (26/5/69).

[....]

            

[PostedBlogger13102012]

{Queer peer}[24th July 1968]

[Redbook1:65][19680724:1800]{Queer peer}[24th July 1968][Age 17]

Wednesday, 24th July 1968.

6.0 p.m.

            Yesterday was very busy, so I will excuse myself.  We [sic] had a cocktail party.  About forty guests turned up -- ten less than expected; mostly very dull but important people.  Lord X is apparently a queer; I am told that he fondled B, who of course (luckily) saw nothing in it, and that he was desperate for B to go to his boys club.  His wife dealt with him tactfully but firmly.  M is worried now about whether this will always happen to B.  I don't think it will; X was high on champagne.

            On Thursday last, D went down to the Inquiry again, and I went with him.  When his turn came -- he was acting for himself and Mr. N [(a neighbour)] (I hope I've spelt it right) -- he first showed that (a) hearsay evidence could be accepted and (b) planning inquiries should take human etc.  considerations into account -- especially use of the property concerned.  Then he read his prepared Statement as a witness – No. II, the watered down version; then [...], for the Appellants, cross-examined him and tried to make him look ridiculous -- but failed dismally.  D thus opened the way for local objectors; but Counsel for the Council, [...], stuck to planning, like a clot.

[PostedBlogger12102012]

{At home}[22nd July 1968]

[Redbook1:63][19680722:2115]{At home}[22nd July 1968][Age 17]

Monday, 22nd July, 1968.

9.15 p.m.

            Sorry I left out a great chunk of dates; my life has been rather chaotic since I last wrote.  I have at last got my room organised, after three days of solid work.  Now I feel tidy again, I feel much happier, and I have got less to do.  I re-started my Chronology yesterday; I also finished up with a whole grocery-box full of rubbish.

            On Monday L was christened, and bawled all the time except when the water was being splashed on her.  That evening I went to stay with (Aunt) D, and we visited her son B, my cousin, at his school, [...]; they still wear Edwardian uniform there.  On Wednesday we went down to the second day of the Enquiry [sic] into the refusal of planning permission by the D.F. U.D.C. to the [...] at R.G.; the thing was going badly at that stage, because the Inspector was confining it to pure planning grounds – e.g. traffic, etc -- ably assisted by the Appellants’ (...) Advocate, [...], a Surveyor(?).  D asked the witness for the Appellants several questions, in order to give her a chance to reply to his statement of the next day.

[PostedBlogger11102012]

{Chronological progress}[4th July 1968]

[Redbook1:60][19680704:1200]{Chronological progress}[4th July 1968][Age 17]

Thursday 4th July 1968.

12. noon.

The Chronology is coming along nicely now; I have got ½ way through my first book, and am leaving it for a while -- the book, not the chronology.  When I announced my subject in form -- we all had to -- there was a groan of surprise that anyone could want to work at that subject and resignation when they realised it was me!  Everyone else is doing easy things; but it is difficult for others to appreciate that this is relaxation for me.

[PostedBlogger10102012]

{Academic ambitions}[3rd July 1968]

[Redbook1:59][19680703:1030]{Academic ambitions}[3rd July 1968][Age 17]

Wednesday 3rd July 1968.

10.30 a.m.

            Well folks, it we are back on the air again!  Life seems sweet, somehow, after all that work; it is so marvellous to know that there is nothing urgent to do, after two and a half months of deadlines, etc..  My last exam was yesterday; my first two were a week ago the day before yesterday; I had 3 history A/S level papers and 1 S level; I had 3 English A/S level papers and 1S level; I had one General Paper 'O' level, which everyone takes with their 'A' levels.  I don't think I did very badly in any of them; 2 B1s are not outside the bounds of possibility, but then nor are 2DUs.  I would think 2 C2s most likely, or possibly a B2 in English and a C2 in history, though I naturally hope for 2 Bs, preferably 2 B1s {to add to the C from last year}.  But I'm determined not to worry at the moment.

            The prospect of 10 days of term free, then 8 weeks of holiday, is a pleasant one (!  -- understatement of the year!).  I now find that it is not possible to do nothing at all, because I am so used to working, so I am compiling, in a leisurely way, a chronology, with references, of transport in the "Industrial Revolution" -- actually from 1600 to 2000 a.d., with 1 page for each year.  At the moment it occupies one IXL file, but I expect it will expand as I fill up the pages and go into extra pages.  It is NOT in note form or tiny writing.  I hope also, eventually, to compile a gigantic Index of everything to do with transport in that period, from 1600 to 2000, giving references in the chronology and references in [sic] books I have read -- but that is a long way in the future, and may never materialise if I don't have time.  I am at present reading railway books and jotting down dated facts in the chronology.

[PostedBlogger09102012]

{Academic break}[5th June 1968]

[Redbook1:55][19680605:0000]{Academic break}[5^th June 1968][Age 17]

Wednesday 30th May [sic] 1968

[?5^th June]

            Sorry I didn't write – there wasn't room for this book in my luggage home for Exeat.  I am not going to write again till after the 'A' levels are over, or at least started – it's worrying me too much.

            See you in a month or so's time!

[PostedBlogger08102012]

{Humour in adversity}[29th May 1968]

[Redbook1:55][19680529:2230]{Humour in adversity}[29th May 1968][Age 17]

Wednesday 29th May 1968

10.30p.m.

            De Gaulle: will he resign?  -- 3 new Aluminium smelters to be built -- Kennedy loses the Oregon primary election -- Manchester United beat Benefico by 4-1, three goals in extra time.

            Clear, sun, hot, dry till about 6.0pm, then cloudy but hot.

            Nothing much really happened today.  I cleared my day-to-day file out this afternoon, for the first time since last term -- it needed it!  I posted the letter home I wrote last night in the morning.  I did some Warren’s King John, some Southern’s Making of the Middle Ages, and my notes on Cluny, Citeaux, and the medieval Church.  Dr D issued us a book to read over the Exeat -- and I thought we were supposed to relax on the Exeat!

            When I watch a horror film, as when something awful happens in life, I often automatically pick out and laugh at the tiny, funny, unintentional details -- not through sadism, but through an instinctive refusal to be bowed down by the full weight of a horror.  If I am shown too many horror films, this could become a sadistic habit, leading me to a callous ignoring of the horrible effects of some of my possible actions.

[PostedBlogger08102012]

{Cash & consumer goods}[28th May 1968]

[Redbook1:54][19680528:2200]{Cash & consumer goods}[28th May 1968][Age 17]

Tuesday 28th May 1968

10.00p.m.

            French education minister resigns -- resignations among French trade union leaders -- government lack of time leads to lack of democracy -- Britain's first lung transplant patient dies -- U.S. submarine feared lost.  Forecast says dry and warm tomorrow.

            This morning I caught up with last week's set work, in 3 study periods.  This afternoon I went down Town, discovered how to take £30 out of the P.O. savings bank (there is a 5-day delay), and discovered that there is a 6 week delay on delivering tape recorders to order.  I also got some bumph from the National firm, a Japanese company -- all their machines were pretty useless.  I rang up M and told her I might be able to go to the Royal Tournament, and asked if I would have any time to go to tape recorder shops -- she said I might, if Tuesday was wet.  The trouble is, it's D's holiday too -- but if I wait till the end of term before getting the Ferguson 3234, there may be none left -- they no longer make them, but they are still selling old stocks.  I shall write a letter home explaining this tonight, I think, so excuse me if I sign off soon.  After going down town, I did Mrs C's garden for half an hour then, thinking it was too soon after last Friday to go into [...] for a drink, I came back to [...] House[,] had some tea -- and I've been working virtually ever since, with a short break from 6.30 (tea) till 7.15 (prep).

[PostedBlogger07for06102012]

{Individuality}[27th May 1968]

[Redbook1:52-53][19680527:2200]{Individuality}[27th May 1968][Age 17]

Monday 27th May 1968

10.00p.m.

            The French strike talks are at stalemate, and demonstrations continue; talks on Vietnam in Paris (?) continue; Transport Bill is undemocratically treated through lack of time; Welsh Nationalists disown weekend explosions; Nigerian peace talks are saved.

I worked most of today also.  We had an essay in the morning which I did badly.  I have asked the housemaster if I can go to the Royal Tournament to watch the [school CCF] band; he is hopeful, but will ask the [head]Master.

One thing I notice about myself is the way I say "What?"  when someone asks me an awkward question; by the time he has said it a second time, I have usually got an answer, and I can make it look as though I am slightly deaf but very quick-thinking!  It is quite instinctive.

A question that used to trouble me until a short time ago was: what would have happened if I had been born as someone else?  Could I have been?  I recently realised the simple answer.  I could not have been born as someone else.  Let us analyse it.

Let us suppose, for the sake of argument, that I have been born as someone else -- in other words, I have been born of different parents.  The question is, what is "I" here?  My body would be different, through inherited characteristics; it can be discounted, since I could think my own thoughts in another's body.  My mind, the characteristics that make me think in a particular way, could also be different; they are not important.  I could only be someone else, consciously, if I remembered my previous existence.  It is memory, therefore, that is important.  This is shown by the fact that if a newborn child is adopted by foster parents, he will grow up, essentially, as their child, and he will grieve if his real parents claim him back in later childhood.  I can picture myself in those circumstances: supposing I had been adopted immediately after birth, I would have grown up, effectively, as someone else, because my memory would be different from what it is.  My memory is the sum of my existence; if it is changed, my past life is changed, and my past environmental influences are changed, therefore I am changed.  But since it is memory that tells one whether one has been or would have been someone else, then, if memory of another or parallel life is wiped out or never created, that other life ceases to, or never, exist(s), from the point of view of one's individual memory; and since I am the sum of my existence -- my memory -- I cannot have been, or cannot be, born as someone else.

[PostedBlogger05102012]

{An unfinished poem}[26th May 1968]

[Redbook1:51-52][19680526:2210]{An unfinished poem}[26th May 1968][Age 17]

Sunday 25^th [sic] May 1968

10.10p.m.

            I can't think how I didn't write yesterday -- I was sure I had, but it appears that I didn't.  Sorry.  I have worked all today, so I am feeling pretty tired out -- and there are so many things I want to do!  I was in the middle of writing a poem about a king who met Death, but it didn't turn out as well as I had hoped; like most of my poems, I have postponed finishing it.

            I have virtually decided to buy the Ferguson spool battery/mains tape recorder, which is not produced any more but still exists apparently, at 34 gns.  BUT spares may be difficult if it is no longer produced, and I must hear its tone before I buy it.  I had probably better leave it till after 'A' levels. I have £53 in Post Office Savings.

            I have pretty well resigned myself to trying for my two remaining 'A' levels again next Summer.

[PostedBlogger04102012]

{Social Work}[24th May 1968]

[Redbook1:51][19680524:2230]{Social Work}[24th May 1968][Age 17]

Friday 24th May 1968

10.30 p.m.

        Sorry, it was my birthday yesterday, so [sic] I decided to go to bed at 10 o'clock instead of staying up late to write my entry as I had intended. I got three maps and £5, from seven people, and I decided not to do any work that day.

        Today I tried to catch up on the work I didn’t do yesterday. I also did Social Services, weeding Mrs C’s garden etc. Afterwards an old man visiting her gave me a glass of cider at his rather luxurious house, […] -- he is a Mr L[…] or something like that. He had driven down from London, and he asked me to drop in for a drink whenever I do Mrs C's garden -- I think he really meant it, too. I hope I came over all right -- he is a bit deaf but very kind.

[PostedBlogger03102012]

{Government Skulduggery}[22nd May 1968]

[Redbook1:50-51][19680522:2200]{Government Skulduggery}[22nd May 1968][Age 16]

Wednesday 22nd May 1968

10.00 p.m.

            There [are] a lot of disquieting factors appearing in government. For example, the Labour government has stopped allowances for hours attended for G[reater] L[ondon] C[ouncil] members; it has only left compensation for money not earned at work, for which professional men -- mostly Conservatives, I should think -- are not eligible, since they have no set scale of fees. Again, there is much guillotining etc of eg the Transport Bill, so the Opposition don't get a chance to amend, object, etc. I also get the impression that when an Opposition member objects, the Govt. spokesman replies without actually answering the question -- merely being sarcastic at the expense of the Opposition speech. Apparently the Opposition then doesn't get a chance to press for an answer again, through lack of time. I am not sure about this last point, but it does seem rather like that.

            It is my 17th birthday tomorrow. I shall be eligible to apply for a time to take a driving test to fill in a form to obtain a driving licence to let me drive a lethal machine at seventy miles an hour, using only my own faculties for guidance and my own limbs for control.

[PostedBlogger02102012]

{A Tape recorder (continued)}[21st May 1968]

[Redbook1:50][19680521:0000]{A Tape recorder (continued)}[21st May 1968][Age 16]

Tuesday 21st May 1968

            My search continues. I have lots of pamphlets now. I was shocked to find that tape recorders have gone up by 33% -- due to the last budget. This scuppers my efforts to find a good one. The question is this: do I buy a good, expensive one that should last me for my whole life? Or do I buy reasonable, cheap one that may not? My eye is lighting on a 34gn. Ferguson -- that it will now be about 45 guineas or so! I have about that in my P.O. book. I have also opened a tape recorder fund -- only £1 in it so far, from Aunt B.

[PostedBlogger01102012]