{Poor relations}[28th October 1990]

[Redbook8:70][19901028:0050]{Poor relations}[28th October 1990]

.0050

All this – all the great endeavour* of discovering C[ircles] A[nalysis] and S[ynthesis], whether C[ircles] A[nalysis] and S[ynthesis] is valid or not – can be seen as a personal method of filling the gap left by general under-achievement, not so much now when the motivation to discover leads to the general under-achievement,** as long ago: long ago, when, at and after school, I carried a terrible, a crushing burden of inadequacy, based almost entirely on my perception of my own inability to relate to others of my own age.

This inability goes back almost, but not quite, as far as I can remember.*** It seems to be connected with a high sensitivity**** and a tendency to deep depression, in those days: being perhaps, at least partly, caused by the one and cause of the other.

Given this inability to relate, to create personal networks, it is not surprising (as I now realise) that I was relatively unsuccessful in employment (colleagues at [the Accountants], committees at [the Trade Association]), and almost wholly lost in the T[erritorial] A[rmy].#

Even now, my ability to relate to others seems to me to be largely superficial: an acquired#* skill rather than an instinct; moving towards a deeper level of understanding, much though I may wish it, I still tend to ‘freeze’.

What a case! – and what a pressure to write.#**

*[sic]

**(ie by comparison with the ambition to discover, I presume)

[Not sure that this presumption is correct; it seems more likely to have referred to the diversion of energy, time, and motivation from the achievement of other things.]

***{I vaguely recall an early childhood in which I did relate properly to other children}

[There is some photographic evidence to confirm these memories. The social damage seems to have been done at boarding school, from the age of about 8.]

****[See [Redbook8:71][19901028:1032b]{High Sensitivity}[28th October 1990]]

#[This is clearly somewhat subjective; recollection now suggests that the problem in an Accountancy firm was simple inability to do the work and pass the exams to the standards required commercially, mainly due to very poor handwriting and a methodical (relative) slowness with numbers; committees remain a problem, and with good reason, although do-able and done (including chairing) for many years; and it is perhaps worth mentioning here that on being told that the writer was leaving the Reserve Forces (just after being promoted), his O.C. said to him. “I’m sorry”; and then after a moment’s thought, very seriously: “I’m very sorry.” – the writer deliberately not then allowing him the opportunity to say anything else. But problems with formal hierarchies and informal networks remain.]

#*{by which I think I meant almost conscious[ly acquired/practised]}

#**{And to get published, of course}

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