[Redbook8:70][19901028:0050]{Poor
relations}[28th October 1990]
.0050
All
this – all the great endeavour* of discovering C[ircles] A[nalysis]
and S[ynthesis], whether C[ircles] A[nalysis] and S[ynthesis] is
valid or not – can be seen as a personal method of filling the gap
left by general under-achievement, not so much now when the
motivation to discover leads to the general under-achievement,** as long
ago: long ago, when, at and after school, I carried a terrible, a
crushing burden of inadequacy, based almost entirely on my perception
of my own inability to relate to others of my own age.
This
inability goes back almost, but not quite, as far as I can
remember.*** It seems to be connected with a high sensitivity****
and a tendency to deep depression, in those days: being perhaps, at
least partly, caused by the one and cause of the other.
Given
this inability to relate, to create personal networks, it is not
surprising (as I now realise) that I was relatively unsuccessful in
employment (colleagues at [the Accountants], committees at [the Trade
Association]), and almost wholly lost in the T[erritorial] A[rmy].#
Even
now, my ability to relate to others seems to me to be largely
superficial: an acquired#* skill rather than an instinct; moving
towards a deeper level of understanding, much though I may wish it, I
still tend to ‘freeze’.
What
a case! – and what a pressure to write.#**
*[sic]
**(ie
by comparison with the ambition to discover, I presume)
[Not
sure that this presumption is correct; it seems more likely to have
referred to the diversion of energy, time, and motivation from the
achievement of other things.]
***{I
vaguely recall an early childhood in which I did
relate properly to other children}
[There
is some photographic evidence to confirm these memories. The social
damage seems to have been done at boarding school, from the age of
about 8.]
****[See
[Redbook8:71][19901028:1032b]{High Sensitivity}[28th October 1990]]
#[This
is clearly somewhat subjective; recollection now suggests that the
problem in an Accountancy firm was simple inability to do the work and pass the exams to
the standards required commercially, mainly due to very
poor
handwriting and a
methodical (relative) slowness with numbers; committees remain a problem, and with good
reason, although do-able and done (including chairing) for many
years; and it is perhaps worth mentioning here that on being told that the
writer was leaving the Reserve Forces
(just after being promoted), his O.C. said to him. “I’m sorry”;
and then after a moment’s thought, very seriously: “I’m very
sorry.” – the
writer deliberately not then allowing him the opportunity to say anything else. But
problems with formal hierarchies and informal networks remain.]
#*{by
which I think I meant almost conscious[ly
acquired/practised]}
#**{And
to get published, of course}
[PostedBlogger20072022]