{Dream: In a Limbo [continued]}[2nd February 1990]

[Redbook7:31-32][19900202:1018b]{Dream: In a Limbo [continued]}[2nd February 1990]

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[continued]

The term ‘limbo’* puzzled me at first, because in my dream I could not remember what it meant; but when I awoke it seemed highly appropriate: a kind of no-(man’s-)land between definite states or dynamic patterns. The dictionary definition,** however, is even more comprehensively appropriate, if somewhat startling:

‘limʹbo, n (pl. ~s). Region on border of hell where pre-Christian just men and unbaptised infants are confined; prison, durance; condition of neglect or oblivion. [ME, f. med. L phr. In limbo (LIMB²)]’

***

*[See last previous entry]

**C[oncise/Complete] O[xford] D[ictionary]

***Curiously, it was the exact word which [sic] [W] used – not having heard of my dream – that same evening, during a rather heavy discussion, to describe our present state of uncertainty as regards my being ordained. The delay is tougher on wives and families. <900203>

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{Dream: In a Limbo}[2nd February 1990]

[Redbook7:31][19900202:1018]{Dream: In a Limbo}[2nd February 1990]

19900202:1018

A curious dream this morning – I can’t remember much of the detail, except that it was about being (while in the World, and in company) personally in contact with visible but disembodied and (?) ‘floating’ (ie on a higher level) spirits of a human appearance: I know that at one stage, possibly in answer to my question as to whether I too could make contact with the higher realm, one of those spirits (of a grey-blue colour?)* said, rather briefly, ‘(?)But you are in a(?) limbo.’

*{cf m~}

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{Dream: Trying to get into the Church}[1st February 1990]

[Redbook7:31][19900201:2140]{Dream: Trying to get into the Church}[1st February 1990]

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Some days ago – the storm of a week ago, which comprehensively demolished* the uninhabitable mobile [home at CH] just after [the former owner] had been wondering (I think) whether she might stay in it occasionally, has rather interrupted things – some nights ago, I dreamt again** on the theme of the Church.

I remember being in a Church, and a man using the swear word ‘fucking’*** or a variation (not me, so far as I know); trying to find a seat, but being told by two girls that the empty seat(s) beside them were unavailable;**** going upstairs, I think, and ? trying to find (successfully?) my way into the upper level, above the congregation.

I believe there were other incidents.

*I had been meaning to demolish it anyway. <900104>

[See [Redbook7:37][19900204:1355]{The Wind}[4th February 1990]]

**[See last previous entry]

***{cf [[Redbook7:139][19900519:1830c]{Meeting the Archbishop again}[19th May 1990],] 139}

****(This actually happened to me in my regular church at Llan[...] on Christmas Eve.)

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{Crisis Resolution in Personal Cycles (1) [continued (14)]}[29th January 1990]

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[continued]

I still* think the concept of lags** is important {(}– after all, they appear in nature, eg the lag of climate mid-winter six weeks or so behind solar mid-winter –{)} mainly because I am still attached to the dual role of the events after the precise crisis-point: I find it hard to accept that the agonising break with my parents over the flat was merely symptomatic of crisis-resolution, and not also a part of the final (lagged) stages of the revolutionary semi-circle.*** But it may be so.

If so, much of the last few years’ experiences are shown in a different light.

For example, my flight Northwards**** may indeed be an enactment of the escape from the material World to C, but if so it was long delayed (I had in fact been wanting to go for years), and perhaps that much more intense (and brief) for being so long delayed. The vast majority of Church dreams, perhaps all of them, seem to have occurred at or after the 32-year C point.#  On the 2^nd 32-year cycle I am now strictly speaking between r~ and g~.#*

My whole perception of the map is changed by being strictly mathematical: so is the notional plan for the [‘O’] series of fictions.

*[See last previous entry, &ant]

**[[Redbook7:23][19900129:0118d]{Crisis Resolution in Personal Cycles (1) [continued (4)]}[22nd January 1990], &fn]

***{See [last previous entry but one, [Redbook7:27-28][19900129:0118k]{Crisis Resolution in Personal Cycles (1) [continued (11)]}[22nd January 1990]fn**,] 27, red m[arginal] n[ote]}

****[Vol III]

#[eg [Redbook2:161-162][19800130:0015b]{A Dream of +K}[30^th January 1980];

[Redbook2:195][19810811:2320]{A Dream of the Devil; A Dream of the Soul*; A Dream of the Church}[11^th August 1981];[Redbook2:215-216][19811221:1815]{A Dream of Three Chapels}[21st December 1981];

[Redbook2:237-238][19820809:0845b]{A Dream: The Unfinished Cathedral/Church}[9^th August 1982];

[Redbook2:280][19830518:1300]{A Dream of Christchurch}[18^th May 1983];

[Redbook2:283-284][19830526:1200b]{Two Dream fragments: [continued] … and a Collapsing Church}[26th May 1983];

[Redbook2:300-301][19830826:0045]{A Dream of Missed Directions: Three Chapels and the White Hotel}[26th August 1983];

[Redbook2:304-305][19831007:1430b]{Dream: Idle in Church}[7^th October 1983];

[Redbook2:325][19840116:2400b]{A Dream of Three Churches}[16^th January 1984];

[Redbook2:350][19841118:1935]{A Dream: Of Destinations}[18^th November 1984];

[Redbook3:10-11][19860907:0612c]{A Dream: [(2)] The Black-faced Rector}[7^th September 1986];[Redbook3:11][19860907:0612d]{A Dream: [(3)] Church Accounts}[7^th September 1986];[Redbook3:11][19860907:0612e]{Kielder Water}[7^th September 1986];

[Redbook3:14][19860907:0612h]{A Dream: [(4)] Profaning the Church}[7^th September 1986];[Redbook3:16-18][19860907:0612k]{A Dream: [(7)] The Church Militant}[7^th September 1986];

& cf [Redbook2:320][19831217:2015d]{Falling into Love}[17^th December 1983].

Not searched after Vol III; none found before Vol II, but recording of dreams seems to have been very rare until Vol III.]

#*[or, of course (presumably), between S~ & M~]

{ → [[Redbook7:43-44][19900214:1100]{Crisis Resolution in Personal Cycles (2)}[14^th February 1990],] 43}

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{Crisis Resolution in Personal Cycles (1) [continued (13)]}[29th January 1990]

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[continued]

Now, the interesting about this* – in the nature of the period-doubling of the Circles – is that the [outer] G~ degree, suggesting Revolution towards Simplification, of the 1^st 32-year circle, the ?Learning Circle – when I abandoned Law – as well as being the m~ of the contra-rotating 32-year [inner] circle, suggesting Inward Action towards Harmony, is the A~a~ of the 2^nd 16-year circle (the ?Informal Learning Circle),** suggesting Distraction towards Fragmentation (& Evolution).

I am uncertain of the application of each period. Age 16-32 seems to coincide with attempt [sic] (however half-hearted) at, and retreat from, conventional career: its scope is fairly narrow. Age 0-32, however, is obviously a life-up-until-now, and concerns the whole of personal orientation and relationships (It looks as though the Crisis at the meeting of the smaller circles, eg 2^nd and 3^rd 16-year periods, is for practical purposes swallowed up in the Crisis at the meeting of the larger circles, eg 1^st and 2^nd 32-year periods; but it may be possible to identify the lesser component of the larger at a later stage).

Within the 2^nd 16-year cycle, an 8-year cycle from 16 to 24 (1975) covers education for Law (starting with History [to A-level] at school), and another from 24 to 32 covers miscellaneous Accounting-type employment *** (the [housing charity] in 1976 being a link-point) – this is also my period in the Territorial Army,**** approximately.

(Within these you find approximately 4-year, etc., periods, eg 4-5 years [Accountants] and before, c3 years at [the Trade Association].

Therefore, the period 16-32 which in terms of conventional careers represents a whole cycle of attempt and abandonment, in terms of personal orientation represents the Distraction-Fragmentation-Revolution-Simplification-CRISIS phase of the attempt (imposed on me) to build an Outward-oriented life. This actually makes sense in the context of my feelings from 16+ to c20, and subsequently, in a way which is hard to explain except by means of Circle mapping.

*[See last previous entry, &ant]

**[[Redbook7:24-25][19900129:0118f]{Crisis Resolution in Personal Cycles (1) [continued (6)]}[22nd January 1990]]

***{This is awfully complicated!}

****[ie the Army Reserve]

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{Crisis Resolution in Personal Cycles (1) [continued (12)]}[29th January 1990]

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[continued]

This map* completely redraws the events leading up to that* resolution, however. The problems with my parents over the flat come after age 32 (if I remember correctly), suggesting that they were not part of the revolution process ** so much as its continuation into the crisis-resolution phase, of which separation from parents*** must have been a long-overdue part (cf T[arot].VI, at C~). Certainly I felt keenly the**** abandonment of my family’s expectations for me when I left the [Law] and went to [the Accountants]: in fact, it was a bloody nightmare. And when I failed the Accountancy finals# – twice – and went to work at [the trade association], I knew it as another stage in the abandonment of career: but this time, I was relieved.

*[See last previous entry]

**{(But radial resonance from R~ to G~?)}

[[Redbook7:29-30][19900129:0118m]{Crisis Resolution in Personal Cycles (1) [continued (13)]}[22nd January 1990]?]

***(or ‘non’-resolution)

****[ie my – the writer’s]

#[Narrowly both times. The problems seem to have been not knowledge or understanding, but speed and, particularly, handwriting, the last of which has been a recurring problem for as long as the writer can remember, the source of much criticism especially paternal, and in all likelihood the result of forcing a left-handed child to become right-handed as evidenced in a letter from the writer’s father to his infant-teacher in about 1955/6.]

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{Crisis Resolution in Personal Cycles (1) [continued (11)]}[29th January 1990]

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[continued]

Taking my greater ‘mid-(working)life’ crisis of a few years back* (how wonderful it is suddenly to be able to place it in the past like that!), we can map it similarly on 2 x ½ x 32-year circles[:]

In this instance the after-effect of the Crisis-point, the emotional agony which we describe as Crisis, has not lasted to the widest point of separation.** | I can suggest that this is because – unlike in the 16+ Crisis, which was never really resolved except by allowing the Unconscious to express the Inner Reality in the form of dreams, poems and other writings, etc.*** – the 32+ Crisis has (I hope) been resolved by giving to the Inner Life the predominance which it demands.

(The demand may well vary between Individuals, in fact almost certainly does, so not everyone will notice these Criseis.[sic]****)

*(cf [[Redbook7:25][19900129:0118g]{Crisis Resolution in Personal Cycles (1) [continued (7)]}[22nd January 1990]] p25, mid)

**[cf last previous entry]

***[NB!]

****(?-εις)

[In customary use, crises]

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{Crisis Resolution in Personal Cycles (1) [continued (10)]}[29th January 1990]

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[continued]

It is perhaps more convenient* when mapping particular crises to marry the 2^nd ½ of the 1^st circle and the first ½ of the 2^nd, ie breaking the map at A~ instead of at C[:]

The original C impulse is then seen to be at age 16: this was not only when I matured, but also when I specialised in my studies and (if I remember rightly) when I began to steer myself towards Law.** But the consequences of the Crisis decision*** are felt more agonisingly the further apart the outward and the inner circles draw: so that it is no accident that my worst period was at Cambridge at age c20, at the widest separation of the 16-year circle (ie 4 years later).****

*[See last previous entry]

**{(From a sense of obligation & TINA)([–]There Is No Alternative)}

***(ref the proper meaning of Crisis: ‘a turning-point that necessitates a parting of the ways’ (Smith & Melluish, TY Greek, p34)[)]

****[But cf next entry]

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{Crisis Resolution in Personal Cycles (1) [continued (9)]}[29th January 1990]

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[continued]

So,* trying once again** to map my own life by reference to these two particular crises:*

This sort of diagram maps a life or a regular section of it.***

*[See last previous entry]***

**[ref [Redbook7:23][19900129:0118c]{Crisis Resolution in Personal Cycles (1) [continued (3)]}[22nd January 1990]?]

***[See next entry]

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{Crisis Resolution in Personal Cycles (1) [continued (8)]}[29th January 1990]

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[continued]

Similarly,* the crisis of my own life which covered roughly 18 to 20 (last term or so at school, period in between, and first year or so at Cambridge) can be seen as at the mid-point of the 1^st 32-year cycle ** but at the meeting-point of the 1^st 2 x 16-year cycles. As crisis is a function of C (the meeting point) not A~ (the mid-point),*** it is the lesser circles on which we must map the events of each Crisis.

*[See last previous entry]

**[Approximately!]

***(But the depression which accompanies unresolved Crises is a characteristic of A~ perhaps diametric resonance)

[No – depression was elsewhere (later?) and finally identified with outer M~. This then works out surprisingly precisely, as the depression is seen at 18-20 in the aftermath of unresolved Crisis at c16 moving onward on the outer circle towards M~ at c20]

[& see entry after next: [Redbook7:25][19900129:0118j]{Crisis Resolution in Personal Cycles (1) [continued (10)]}[22nd January 1990]]

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