{Physical, Moral or Spiritual Growth [continued]}[22nd July 1989]

[Redbook6:163-165][198907122:1004]{Physical, Moral or Spiritual Growth [continued]}[22nd July 1989]

19890722.1004

[continued]

I think that I can see this* – because I refer to the only significant thing that has changed in my life over that period – as some sort of objective validation that an immense weight of misery has been (and is being) lifted from my shoulders and from my mind as a result of my having almost completely left the orbit of my parents.** Almost all of that misery was due to problems that were not primarily mine, but theirs:*** their marital problems, their financial difficulties, their property, their misery, their violence (his upon her), their prolonged inability – which to this day continues – to resolve their difficulties and untangle themselves from each other (or reconcile themselves to each other); and of problems that were primarily mine, not the least was their determination to bring about their designs for my life, to their advantage, and at my expense in almost all ways imaginable.

All that, of course, is behind me – and the sudden growth suggests that it really is behind me: but it is, of course, as a set of facts still attached to me; and this perhaps suggests why, although I have my mother down to stay – because she is my mother and my children’s grandmother – I do so with no real enjoyment, or commitment. She appears completely unchanged: even still complaining (although less than she used to) of lack of money.****

*[See last previous entry]

**Our neighbour, Dr [J], suggests (with great delight) a brain tumour stimulating the pituitary gland to produce growth hormone. Are (she asks) my hands also growing; is my lower jaw protruding? – I think not. <890730>

{But a few days later, [W] bought a new pair of rubber gloves a size smaller than before, unknown to me, which, when I tried them on, gave me a bit of a turn….}

***[over many years]

****{& so do I!!}

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