{External matters}[29th March 1987]

[Redbook3:61-62][19870329:1210k]{External matters}[29^th March 1987]

19870329.1210(BST)

[continued]

I have not mentioned much about the other, external characteristics of those times; nor do I want to particularly, because there is not much point. But it may be considered relevant that the circumstances in which I lived were confused and unhappy; and I was torn with doubts as to whether I should try to follow the life that called me – trying to put across what I was learning – or the sensible, materially self-supporting and secure life.

It is only very recently that I have become relatively certain that it was right to 'go down' into employment and business rather than forcing myself to speak on soap-boxes – which I dreaded – and live on social security or odd jobs. This is because, if I perceive things correctly,

(a) I should have had to go down anyway in order to make any progress (or was there a chance to go the other way, from the Cyrenians*? I doubt it); and

(b) I didn't know very much then (even less now?).

This conclusion is interesting (if tentative) because at the time I did doubt whether I was doing the right thing, but did not for practical reasons (which seemed like the wrong reasons) see what else I could do.

*[Charity supporting homeless people, for which the writer spent six months as a voluntary residential warden in a (nominally) short-stay hostel for single homeless people, c. April to September 1976.]

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