{Party Hangover}[12th February 1973]

[Redbook1:281][19730212:2346a]{Party Hangover}[12th February 1973]

Monday 197302122346

[continued]

            When I have had time to settle down I hope to take a more detached view here of this morning’s episode.

            However I passed C this afternoon in the JCR and raised my hand, unsmiling. 

            He met my eyes, and his expression seemed to convey intense hostility.

            Possibly mine did too.

            Possibly he had a hangover.

            But this morning was the first time I have really spoken out at all, and conveyed to him just a little of how I see him in these moods.

[PostedBlogger30122013for02012014]

{The Light of Cambridge}[12th February 1973]

[Redbook1:281][19730212:2346]{The Light of Cambridge}[12th February 1973]

Monday 197302122346

            I think one of the things I shall always remember about Cambridge is the light.

            Corrections to this morning’s cri-de-coeur are bracketed <thus>, having been inserted at the above time (heading this piece).

[PostedBlogger30122013for01012014]

{Party Matters [continued(6)]}[12th February 1973]

[Redbook1:277-280][19730212:0238e]{Party Matters [continued(6)]}[12th February 1973]

(Monday) 197302120238

[continued]

            <Written a few minutes later:>

The other thing I nearly forgot, and which roused my curiosity, was his continual allusion to something he knew about me which he would not tell me because it would end the [...] movement.  But he seemed to be ‘playing’ me, and studying my reactions: i.e. my curiosity <he said> showed I must be hiding something, and (he implied later) my following his change of subject also showed that <I was hiding something>.

I don’t really think any kind of relationship can survive that kind of mucking around – as I have warned C before.

((Monday) 197302120310)

[PostedBlogger30for31122013]

{Party Matters [continued(5)]}[12th February 1973]

[Redbook1:277-280][19730212:0238d]{Party Matters [continued(5)]}[12th February 1973]

(Monday) 197302120238

[continued]

            At the end, having absorbed practically everything C said without counter-attack – to his annoyance, as he admitted – I pointed out that I had not used against him arguments that I considered unhelpful.  Pressed for an example, I suggested <the> chip on the shoulder <retort>.  He took some pains to argue against this, but I pointed out that it was not my argument.  I would not give other examples.

            I also said finally that I thought his viewpoint was basically self-centred.  He regarded this as simply me trying to get on top, and said so, tho’ I had anticipated this and said it was not.  He did not like this suggestion, and left.

            He certainly seemed to regard the [...] movement as finished, although after <(he claimed)> between six and nine pints, and 3 glasses of port, he could be forgiven for impulses.

            After three <and a half?> pints and 1 glass of port <and at 3 o’clock in the morning> I hope I may be forgiven for inaccuracies above.

[continues]

[PostedBlogger30122013]

{Party Matters [continued(4)]}[12th February 1973]

[Redbook1:277-280][19730212:0238c]{Party Matters [continued(4)]}[12th February 1973]

(Monday) 197302120238

[continued]

            Over the hours (c.9pm – 2.30a.m., 2 pubs and my room), I began to feel that I was being used as a dustbin on which to offload various prejudices and hostilities which I had only half-suspected.

            Still I hope I have learnt one thing out of it: be still more careful over what you say, and to whom.

            But he would not point to isolated incidents to prove my insensitivity, alleging only a gut feeling.  That strengthens me – since insensitivity would as an accusation hurt me.

            I also did not like the references to my mother.  I wish I had not thought it so amusing* to bring them together, since he obviously took a dislike to her, and she to him.  I should never have mentioned education, let alone introduced it as a topic of discussion. 

.

*<and instructive – which, clearly, it is – but at what risk!>

[continues]

[PostedBlogger29122013]

{Party Matters [continued(3)]}[12th February 1973]

[Redbook1:277-280][19730212:0238b]{Party Matters [continued(3)]}[12th February 1973]

(Monday) 197302120238

[continued]

            It is ridiculous that two people who are agreed roughly about what should be done should discover, while tight, an apparently unbridgeable gulf over why it should be done.

            He would not accept that the crucial difference between us – as it emerged – is that he sees suffering only in relation to his personal experience, whereas I see it, I hope, or am prepared to see it, wherever it occurs.

            The most noticeable aspect of the discussion was that when I became too clever in my arguments I was using smart-ass </smart-alec? I can’t remember> arguments (which may be true) but when he did I think he felt it was justified.

            He continually returned to my having been at [my school], and to my mother – at one stage picturing her aged eleven hung naked over the school railings, and otherwise appearing to insult her – but when I pressed him as to why he pushed these kinds of things, he seemed to think I was being smart-ass </smart-alec?>.

            But when I became ‘smart-ass’</’smart-alec’?>, he sometimes returned to the image of the underprivileged bloke in the bar who at <this> stage would resort to fists.

[continues]

[PostedBlogger29for28122013]

{Party Matters [continued]}[12th February 1973]

[Redbook1:277-280][19730212:0238a]{Party Matters [continued]}[12th February 1973]

(Monday) 197302120238

[continued]

            Basically, if he was right in saying that my imagination is useless as against his experience, then there would be no point in going on.  Clearly conscience and imagination cannot allow that.

            A certain amount of seeing-oneself-as-others-see-one is probably useful at this stage.  But it is vital to know when to stop it.

            Accusations of insensitivity strike deep.  The trouble is <that> he is probably right in one sense, but my sensitivity in other ways makes me too vulnerable to accept the consequences of that particular kind of insensitivity, and to correct it. (?)

[continues]

[PostedBlogger29for27122013]

{Party Matters}[12th February 1973]

[Redbook1:277-280][19730212:0238]{Party Matters}[12th February 1973]

(Monday) 197302120238

I think that, for the sake of the foundations of my own confidence, I shall have to keep CB at a greater distance.

            In fact my instinct has known right from the beginning that he was dangerous – as strength founded on weakness.  But I overrode that instinct, hoping that some good might come of co-operation.

            He is wrong, of course, in the sense that his (apparent) criticisms of my position are founded on an unrecognised falsity in his own position – being centred almost wholly on his own viewpoint.  The means for use of which he criticises me are the means he uses himself – without realising it.  But he is so confident in his own rightness, so unshakeable, that however deeply I know he is morally and logically wrong, if I continue to absorb his viewpoint, I feel that I am likely to succumb myself.

[continues]

[PostedBlogger29for26122013]

{I should think not}[11th February 1973]

[Redbook1:277][19730211:1737]{I should think not}[11th February 1973]

Sunday 197302111737

(L)       If I didn’t read the Red Mole[*], I wouldn’t know what not to think.

[*](A left-wing sheet)<971002>

[PostedBlogger24for25122013]

{Means}[8th February 1973]

[Redbook1:277][19730208:1812]{Means}[8th February 1973]

Thursday 197302081812

(L)       Fascism commits one to means one may not believe in.  Does Communism lead one to believe in those means?

[PostedBlogger24122013]

{Terrorism}[5th February 1973]

[Redbook1:276][19730205:0000]{Terrorism}[5th February 1973]

Monday 19730205

            Those who attack a State by physical violence from within, put themselves in a position where they have nothing to lose but themselves.

            The State therefore has no alternative but to put pressure on them by seeking to take away the only thing they have to lose.

[PostedBlogger23122013]

{Nationality and Race}[3rd February 1973]

[Redbook1:275-276][19730203:0226]{Nationality and Race}[3rd February 1973]

(Saturday) 197302030226.

            I remember recently in Lincoln’s Inn I found myself dining next to a tall thin African.  As an opening gambit: ‘Where are you from?’ I said, turning to him.

            He drew himself up proudly.  ‘I’m an African from Nigeria.’ (-- I think it was Nigeria.)

            ‘Oh.’ I said, not wanting to cause trouble.  ‘I’m an Englishman from England.’

            The Bangladeshian across the table – that’s what he called himself, but he had trouble pronouncing it later on – was braver than I was.

            ‘What do you mean, you’re an African from Nigeria?’ he said.  ‘It’s perfectly obvious you’re an African....’

            As my father said, they may not be brave, but they sure can be foolhardy....

            In fact the Bangladeshian, as a member of a splintered part of an unreal State, and I, as a member of a people at least in theory abandoning one nationalism for another, enjoyed ourselves provoking the African from Nigeria about regressive Nationalism and reactionary tendencies in the brotherhood of Man.

[PostedBlogger23for22122013]

{Cambridge Transfigured}[1st February 1973]

[Redbook1:275][19730201:1653]{Cambridge Transfigured}[1st February 1973]

Thursday 197302011653ff

            Walking back down Garret Hostel Lane I saw the evening glow of Spring on College walls and leaves of Autumn.  Girls stared at me as I passed.

            Autumn leaves?  Spring air?  What is happening?

            Later from great St Mary's I saw storm clouds rise dark and glowing over a luminous sunset,  pouring a strange grey light over the twisted spires of Kings, in a sudden silence.

            More car troubles.  I hate garages!

[PostedBlogger21122013]

{Huckleberry Pi}[29th January 1973]

[Redbook1:274][19730129:0138]{Huckleberry Pi}[29th January 1973]

(Monday) 197301290138

            Sometimes when I look at the United States I feel that somewhere lost in that vast undertaking there must still be villages -- a kind of Huck Finn life, perhaps, not in period but in relationships[*] and quality of living.  I hope I am right.

[*] Private relationships! <19880805>

[PostedBlogger20122013]

{Heredity and Environment}[28th January 1973]

[Redbook1:274][19730128:0000]{Heredity and Environment}[28th January 1973]

Sunday 19730128

            Sometimes it seems that the same people, dreading ‘unfairness’, on the one hand maintain that all of an individual's behaviour is due to circumstances outside his control – e.g. upbringing; but that strangely enough his personality must owe nothing to circumstances outside his control – e.g. inheritance -- because this would be unfair.

[PostedBlogger19122013]

{Yes, we have no Bwanas}[10th January 1973]

[Redbook1:274][19730110:0000]{Yes, we have no Bwanas}[10th January 1973]

Wednesday 19730110

            Has General Amin* exchanged his old ‘bwana republic’ for a classic banana republic?

*[President of Uganda]

[PostedBlogger18122013]

{Pre-marital Sex}[19th December 1972]

[Redbook1:272][19721219:0111]{Pre-marital Sex}[19th December 1972]

Tuesday 197212190111

            Where a girl wonders whether to sleep with a man, perhaps she should ask herself: “(All financial and moral considerations apart,) Am I happy to have this man's child?”

            This would be a valid test even where there is no danger of pregnancy.

[PostedBlogger17122013]

{Capital Punishment}[14th December 1972]

[Redbook1:272][19721214:0228a]{Capital Punishment}[14th December 1972]

Thursday 197212140228

[continued]

            I am beginning to wonder about capital punishment.  I am and I hope I shall always be against it on principle, but is its abolition a luxury we cannot afford?  Will trends in the United States appear here?

[PostedBlogger16122013]

{Realism}[14th December 1972]

[Redbook1:272][19721214:0228]{Realism}[14th December 1972]

Thursday 197212140228

            There is a terrible tendency among journalists of a particular kind in the quality press to mistake pessimism for realism.

[PostedBlogger15122013]

{Police Alienation}[4th December 1972]

[Redbook1:271][19721204:0228]{Police Alienation}[4th December 1972]

197212040228

            The tragedy of our pot laws lies not just in the effect on many young lives of a further ‘rejection’ by ‘society’, but in the alienation of the police from nearly a whole generation of young people of all classes.  Even I distrust the police now after two years in Cambridge -- and I have never been in trouble with them nor had any reason to be.

            I think the police know this [generally], and it may explain some of their troubles.

[PostedBlogger14122013]

{The Looking-glass Peace}[4th December 1972]

[Redbook1:271][19721204:0110]{The Looking-glass Peace}[4th December 1972]

Monday 197212040110

            There was something I meant to write down yesterday but forgot.  I still can't remember it.

            This must be one of the first generations or centuries in which the classic tribal situation is reversed so completely: here the old men wish to go to war, while the young hotheads desire peace.

[PostedBlogger13122013]

{Centrist Parties [continued]}[2nd December 1972]

[Redbook1:270][19721202:1921d]{Centrist Parties [continued]}[2nd December 1972]

Saturday 197212021921 [continued]

            This afternoon Q came round -- we talked about the areas of research in more detail, about the ‘intermediate concepts’/means/ends -- unsatisfactory -- and our ‘philosophy’ in general.  He hopes to come round on Wednesday afternoon to talk about the ideas we have had under the detailed policy headings; otherwise I shall have to write to him.

[PostedBlogger12122013]

{Centrist Parties [continued]}[2nd December 1972]

[Redbook1:270][19721202:1921c]{Centrist Parties [continued]}[2nd December 1972]

Saturday 197212021921 [continued]

            On Thursday C and Q came but T did not.  We divided up the research work first -- though much overlap -- as Q had to go.  Then C and I went to find N, met him at the Globe (?) in Hills Road for a drink, then back to my room where we consumed three bottles of white plonk (?) and talked particularly about town planning and education.  I became fairly hazy – particularly since I had been singing and drinking at the Christmas Dinner.  At four in the morning we took N out by the wall.  Someone had moved the leaning bath – C said ‘Just follow me’, put his foot in it in the usual way and found himself walking backwards into a pile of wood, clasping it to himself like Winnie the Pooh with a pot of honey.  I was so helpless with laughter that we had some difficulty in getting it back up again.  N then did exactly the same thing.

[continues]

[PostedBlogger11122013]

{Centrist Parties [continued]}[2nd December 1972]

[Redbook1:269-270][19721202:1921b]{Centrist Parties [continued]}[2nd December 1972]

Saturday 197212021921 [continued]

            Worried about things slipping, I saw T on Wednesday night last for a few minutes -- he said he saw himself only as an observer and told me there was a ‘meeting’ in my room at 8.30 the next evening.  But that same evening I found C and told him of my fears.  He told me he had given up and I very nearly believed him -- but a small part of me didn't.  He then revealed that he had been ‘bullshitting’ and we planned an ‘agenda’ for Thursday.

[continues]

[PostedBlogger10122013]

{Centrist Parties [continued]}[2nd December 1972]

[Redbook1:269][19721202:1921a]{Centrist Parties [continued]}[2nd December 1972]

Saturday 197212021921 [continued]

            The Thursday before last, I think it was, in CB’s room, he and I and Q listened with [TC] to [LR] on economic factors, and refusing to commit himself to a fundamental ideology (though free with detailed ideological plans).  We later went on to T’s room in Adam’s Road, but Q left early.  C and I climbed into the [College] over [the] wall at c. 02.05 -- I got stuck.  At one stage my foot slipped and I nearly strangled myself on my scarf.

[continues]

[PostedBlogger09122013]

{Centrist Parties}[2nd December 1972]

[Redbook1:269][19721202:1921]{Centrist Parties}[2nd December 1972]

Saturday 197212021921

            Possibly it was on Monday the 20th [November 1972] that CB and I went with his friend [QS] from Essex University (living in Cambridge) to that pub, after the University Arms on the left, and listened to [NS], C’s old teacher, on tactics, people, etc.  N and C later came to my room. 

[continues]

[PostedBlogger08122013]

[Child of Eagles][1st December 1972]

[Redbook1:269A][19721201:1809][Child of Eagles][1st December 1972]

(197212011809)Copy

Child of Eagles

Ill luck to those who spill the blood of the King.

Shame on the brother who left the child to die:

Revenge the death of a Queen.

Where were the friends of the City of Men?

Where then were the Guardians?

Did the Fell Children come too late?

Children live beyond hope, and grow to Men,

And hope is renewed.

[???]

[PostedBlogger07122013]

{Money and Happiness}[29th November 1972]

[Redbook1:268][19721129:1052]{Money and Happiness}[29th November 1972]

Wednesday 197211291052

            People who see domestic discontent in terms of distribution of wealth miss the point.  Money is a means, not an end.  If we can arrange general content more directly by striking at the end -- by providing in kind -- the importance of wealth will decline.  I do not like our obsession with money: it affects human attitudes adversely, and distorts relationships.  I should like everyone to have the opportunity to live a reasonably contented life; but redistribution of wealth is not necessarily the best way of providing that opportunity, and it may cause hardship as it alleviates hardship.

[PostedBlogger06122013]

[The Window][26th November 1972]

[Redbook1:268A][19721126:0022][The Window][26th November 1972]

(197211260022)(Copy)

The Window

The shouting and the music fade

In laughter; through the opened window

Blows a chill clear wind:

A breath of darkness

Lays ice fingers on the soul.

Dark depression, growing, turns

The body and the brain to mud,

The eyes to frost,

The blood to snow.

As we come together, so we part:

Resistance springs in joining.

A people turns to morning:

A World spins;

All-things is.

There is so much to tell.

My thought is broken

And tiredness overwhelms.

(197211260039)

           

[PostedBlogger05122013]

{Circles of Contempt?}[14th November 1972]

[Redbook1:268][19721114:2329]{Circles of Contempt?}[14th November 1972]

Tuesday 197211142329

            One of the marvellous things about our society is that everyone is able to despise someone.

[PostedBlogger04122013]

Centre Party [continued]}[13th November 1972]

[Redbook1:267][19721113:1356a]{Centre Party [continued]}[13th November 1972]

Monday 197211131356

[continued]

            At the Tory Club Dinner on Thursday I mentioned Centre Parties and a [R] Party to [FR], but I shied off so quickly as to be able to learn little of interest.  I am not sure how useful that would be in any case.

            I am stuck for a name.

[PostedBlogger03122013]

{Centre Party [continued]}[13th November 1972]

[Redbook1:267][19721113:1356a]{Centre Party [continued]}[13th November 1972]

Monday 197211131356

[continued]

            Yesterday at 7pm in his room we went through a broad list of attitudes and policies (with examples of detailed application) and found a remarkable amount of common ground.  We also discussed people, practical means and a timetable, and agreed to meet after practical research in greater detail.

[continues]

[PostedBlogger02122013]

{Centre Party}[13th November 1972]

[Redbook1:267][19721113:1356]{Centre Party}[13th November 1972]

Monday 197211131356

            Last Sunday -- a week ago yesterday, in my room on the 5th of November – CB and I, both slightly tiddly, discussed the possibilities for a centre party.  Both had clearly considered it before, and both led up to it in conversation -- partly about job interview application forms -- but he first openly suggested we might make something of it.

            We agreed to meet on the next Sunday.

[continues]

[PostedBlogger02for01122013]

{[...]s’ Rabbit}[7th November 1972]

[Redbook1:266][19721107:1518]{[...]s’ Rabbit}[7th November 1972]

Tuesday 19721107 1518

            I suspect that the brilliance of [L.O.] will lead him one day to great eminence, and so I should like to get this dialogue down before I forget it.  It is correct essentially here.

Self:     What’s the jugged hare like?

L:         Very  good.

S:         I would have had some but I’m rather fond of hares – live ones – and they scream like babies when they’re hurt – rather horrible.

            Also, I don’t like myxomatosis very much.

L:         Thank you.

S:         Actually hares don’t get it.  There aren’t so many of them – perhaps that’s why – I have an idea myxomatosis spreads in crowded conditions.

L:         I suppose rabbits don’t have laws against bigamy.

(Pause)

S:         What?  [With a horrible feeling that there is a connection]

L:         I mean, it doesn’t matter if there’s lots of rabbits to one hare.

(Pause)

S:         What do you mean?  [Wondering if he’s misunderstood L.]

[M goes red]  [S wonders how to put this:]

(Pause)

S:         Do you mean, it doesn’t matter if there’s one male hare to lots of female rabbits?

L:         Yes.  [ -- Relieved that he hasn’t made a frightful boob?]

S:         They’re different species, actually.

L:         Oh.  [Goes very red]....

            I said I wouldn’t tell anyone and I haven’t; but it is rather surprising.  I believe L took a first both years so far; he is in other ways very much on the ball.

[PostedBlogger0212for30112013]

{Thalidomide}[5th November 1972]

[Redbook1:265][19721105:1736]{Thalidomide}[5th November 1972]

Sunday 197211051736

            Distillers could by now have paid the victims handsome lump sums – perhaps £1,000,000 each*, inadequate but practical – over the intervening years, and no-one would have noticed but the shareholders.  Or have I missed something?

           

As it is they have acted against the interests of the children, themselves and private enterprise at large. 

            I think the time may have come to frighten Distillers.  Their shareholders have remained quiet too long for their own conscience.  We have shares in Distillers.  The General Meeting could become a powerful weapon to force them to realise their responsibilities.  Never mind whose moral fault it was -- Distillers caused the accident.

            If that doesn't work, a few sharp Government statements -- avoiding matter sub judice -- might help at the right time.  Like: ‘Failing adequate arrangements, I intend that the assets of Distillers be broken up and divided among the victims’.

            What about the shareholders sending all shares to a fund -- after all this is over -- to be divided among the victims? (-- already suggested).

*even £200,000 would be something -- £10,000 p.a. at 5% -- + legal costs (essential).

[PostedBlogger0212for29112013]