{A trip to Scotland [continued]}[16th August 1971]

[Redbook1:216-217][19710816:2300e]{A trip to Scotland [continued]}[16th August 1971]

Monday 16th August 1971

11pm

[continued]

            P fascinates me, more than any of the others.  The reasons must be partly in his personality, more in mine.

            I intended to leave [school] at the end of nineteen sixty-eight; I would have done so with no regrets for things lost, and only a few for opportunities missed.  When I found myself back for another year I realised very quickly that I would probably be Head of [...] House, and I understood even at that stage something of what that would mean to me.

            As the year passed, through the workings of the hierarchy system and lack of other things to do, I became more bound up with the other people in the House.

            The situation at home at that time was not good.

            During the last time, when I was head of house, I became deeply involved with the people in [the] House.  This was probably an escape: from the strain of examination work and expectation of failure, from the troubles at home, possibly from the implications of my unsuccessful attempt to have my first full sexual relations, with my father's girfriend.  However that may be, the (relatively) sudden change from (relative) disinterest [sic] to complete fascination with these children nearly had awkward consequences.  How it really was I am not sure, but it felt at the time as though had I stayed another fortnight at [the] House I should have entered into some kind of close friendship* with poor [...], in particular.  In fact no doubt it would never have happened: everything would probably have moved two weeks later.  But that was how it felt; and it was ‘symbolic’ of my love for all of them -- warts and all, I really loved them.

            That being so, when the term ended my world collapsed.  I had foreseen this for a year.  What I had not foreseen was that I would return to an appalling home situation, where my father became totally unpredictable and my mother had to tell me all about it.

*[not sexual -- but I have cut out the name anyway, partly to save feelings – 19750908]

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