{A trip to Scotland [continued]}[17th August 1971]

[Redbook1:219-220][19710817:1915b]{A trip to Scotland [continued]}[17th August 1971]

17th August 1971

7.15pm [continued]

            I was slightly apprehensive about staying with the Ms but as it happened I need not have worried.  No letter was mentioned or alluded to; nevertheless from L’s behaviour I think it may have been received, and from the way things were organised it is possible that his parents saw it and put a potentially unpleasant interpretation on it, as he did not.  In one sense they were right: P is too attractive a child to be risked.  Everyone who comes into contact with him and loves children must love him as an ideal child.  He is bright; he is polite; he is fair (God knows where that came from, but the [children] all have it) and he is slight (malnutrition again?).  That politeness is infuriating -- it gives so few clues as to how he feels, and what he thinks.

            I think that P has in his turn become a ‘symbol’ of my exploding awareness of and love for people since 1969.  This has less to do with sex: I have been in love with girls often enough in my life, and always hopelessly -- I was too shy.  Nevertheless sex is part of the ‘social scene’, or is one of the social urges.  I do not feel any desire to have “sexual” relations with any boy or man -- apart from the unsatisfactory physical situation, the idea is ludicrous.  But I would very much like to have children of my own, and I would have liked -- knowing very well that such an idea is ridiculous -- to be in a position to treat P as my own son.  Within reason and very obvious limits, what a man or woman does for love of their own son or daughter should be their business; but then, why the distinction between their own children and someone else's?  As a people we are frightened of affection; I suspect that if I had known more love as a child I should not find the situation so confusing now.

            What we should fear is to go through the social and sexual rituals without the love which is the meaningful part.

[PostedBlogger31082013]

{A trip to Scotland [continued]}[17th August 1971]

[Redbook1:218-219][19710817:1915a]{A trip to Scotland [continued]}[17th August 1971]

17th August 1971

7.15pm [continued]

            I don't know when I first became more aware of P; at one time those three children all seemed to be in troubles at once and his name came up a lot.  I believe M and N used to get together and tell each other about their respective troubles; so I got some of his as well as most of hers.  P’s failure [to get into the school of their choice] staggered me: he was, and is, a remarkably bright child, and I am sure that the result was due to a mistake by [the school] or simply an accident on his part.  That he should be sent to Eton instead seemed doubly hard.  I do not wish to seem prejudiced about Eton, but it seems to me that if you are to come out of it better and not worse in the eyes of your contemporaries from elsewhere, you must be more aware of the pressures in the school than are most thirteen-year-olds.  The circumstances seemed bound to bring disastrous results for P.  In addition, in my first term at [my college] I was annoyed by the extent of anti-Etonian feeling among undergraduates (-- but I always excuse men from Harrow.)

            I was so worried that I not only spoke to P at Christmas -- which I'm afraid may have worried him more than forewarned him -- but also wrote him a letter, which was foolish.  I regretted it afterwards; and it was the beginning of the Postal Strike, so it probably didn't get there in time anyway.  Before I sent it, it seemed to me necessary once in a while to act on one's charitable impulses; afterwards it struck me as unwarranted interference in the affairs of another family.  [....]

[PostedBlogger30082013]

{A trip to Scotland [continued]}[17th August 1971]

[Redbook1:218][19710817:1915]{A trip to Scotland [continued]}[17th August 1971]

17th August 1971

7.15pm

            In those circumstances I did not feel I could happily go away for nine months with KD, an opportunity which I have since regretted missing.  But I think I should have been anxious.  Instead I wrote madly, spent a month in a Trust Co. -- which was a revelation (so boring) -- and stayed for six weeks with a family in Paris, which was ghastly.*   During that time, [...] the void left by the boys and girls of [the] House refused to be filled [...].

*(Also 1 week in 3M (-- 24.8 .71))

[PostedBlogger29082013]

{A trip to Scotland [continued]}[16th August 1971]

[Redbook1:216-217][19710816:2300e]{A trip to Scotland [continued]}[16th August 1971]

Monday 16th August 1971

11pm

[continued]

            P fascinates me, more than any of the others.  The reasons must be partly in his personality, more in mine.

            I intended to leave [school] at the end of nineteen sixty-eight; I would have done so with no regrets for things lost, and only a few for opportunities missed.  When I found myself back for another year I realised very quickly that I would probably be Head of [...] House, and I understood even at that stage something of what that would mean to me.

            As the year passed, through the workings of the hierarchy system and lack of other things to do, I became more bound up with the other people in the House.

            The situation at home at that time was not good.

            During the last time, when I was head of house, I became deeply involved with the people in [the] House.  This was probably an escape: from the strain of examination work and expectation of failure, from the troubles at home, possibly from the implications of my unsuccessful attempt to have my first full sexual relations, with my father's girfriend.  However that may be, the (relatively) sudden change from (relative) disinterest [sic] to complete fascination with these children nearly had awkward consequences.  How it really was I am not sure, but it felt at the time as though had I stayed another fortnight at [the] House I should have entered into some kind of close friendship* with poor [...], in particular.  In fact no doubt it would never have happened: everything would probably have moved two weeks later.  But that was how it felt; and it was ‘symbolic’ of my love for all of them -- warts and all, I really loved them.

            That being so, when the term ended my world collapsed.  I had foreseen this for a year.  What I had not foreseen was that I would return to an appalling home situation, where my father became totally unpredictable and my mother had to tell me all about it.

*[not sexual -- but I have cut out the name anyway, partly to save feelings – 19750908]

[PostedBlogger28082013]

{A trip to Scotland [continued]}[16th August 1971]

[Redbook1:216][19710816:2300d]{A trip to Scotland [continued]}[16th August 1971]

Monday 16th August 1971

11pm

[continued]

            In that vein, I have unnervingly fallen in love again, with RJ, whom I have not now seen for nearly a month.  Before Scotland, it made life very difficult.  I hope I should be able to make something of it when she comes back to London, and perhaps for the first time I shall be in love with someone I can actually talk to and tell.  Ah well.  But I do want her:  I think I could not have come this far had I not thought that she showed some interest in me; but now I am not sure that I was right.

            K, their youngest child, has dyslexia, is bullied at school, and flirted to a limited extent with me.  She is ten, I suppose.  She is a sweet child, and appears very open.

[PostedBlogger27082013]

{A trip to Scotland [continued]}[16th August 1971]

[Redbook1:215-216][19710816:2300c]{A trip to Scotland [continued]}[16th August 1971]

Monday 16th August 1971

11pm

[continued]

            I am very fond of W, who is sometimes young for her age, and ugly, and sometimes remarkably sophisticated, and extremely pretty.  Her eyes fascinate me.  She is slight ([...]) -- almost underdeveloped -- the result of malnutrition?  They eat badly.  At one time I was almost in love with her -- but, I think, not quite.  Not yet?

{A trip to Scotland [continued]}[16th August 1971]

[Redbook1:214-215][19710816:2300b]{A trip to Scotland [continued]}[16th August 1971]

Monday 16th August 1971

11pm

[continued]

            The family fascinate and intrigue me, and I'm not quite sure why.  Father [N], [...], is apparently teased by his [colleagues], (who are fond of him, I am told) but revered by at least one of their wives, possibly more, in a peculiar way: he is thought to be one of the kindest people, which is true up to a point, but only in a selective sense.  He has certainly been very kind to me, refraining from returning my remarks in kind as I know he can.  He stayed with us for several weeks ([...?]).  He seems recently to have pulled off one of the cleverest tricks I have seen:  he has moved his family permanently into the country, where only one of them really wanted to be, (himself protesting the while that he didn't want to do it) and has procured for himself, alone, a flat in London.  I don't know one other [of his colleagues] who could have pulled that one off, though God knows some of them would like to.

            I am told that D, his wife, is in fact painfully shy.  Of course it is nice to say that of people who frighten one so that one can pity them; it may be true.  She frightens me sometimes.  She has been at times very unkind to N in the hearing of others.  But she has always been very nice to me, on the few occasions when we had met; in some ways I prefer her to N.  I cannot remember her face.

[PostedBlogger25082013]

{A trip to Scotland [continued]}[16th August 1971]

[Redbook1:213-214][19710816:2300a]{A trip to Scotland [continued]}[16th August 1971]

Monday 16th August 1971

11pm

[continued]

            On Wednesday we left the MacDs and the hills [sic] and went to the [M]s in [L] -- in an extraordinary house full of odd old furniture etc., [....].

            [DM] was very kind to us: that is to say that although the rooms were freezing and the water filthy to taste she cooked meals for us and refused to let me dry up, which made me feel unjustified or unwanted – odd.  Next morning I wanted to walk up the river but NM made us visit the badly-laid-out local museum, of which he was extraordinarily proud.  Only the replica room and croft really interested me.  B meanwhile played with K (he did well for women that trip) and I believe W stayed in her room.  P went to be sketched/painted by his aunts.

            [....]

[PostedBlogger24082013]

{A trip to Scotland [continued]}[16th August 1971]

[Redbook1:213-214][19710816:2300]{A trip to Scotland [continued]}[16th August 1971]

Monday 16th August 1971

11pm

            We had gone up to collect S and B from the [MacD] cousins’ cottage in [K], where we spent two nights.  I find them very refreshing, in an odd way: the whole family are incredibly reassuring.  I have always known [Z] better, and liked him, because of the two brothers he is nearer my age.  This time I made a conscious effort to get to know [I] better, and was, as one might expect, well rewarded.  He is perceptive, aware of himself, and prepared to talk.

[PostedBlogger23082013]

{A trip to Scotland}[15th August 1971]

[Redbook1:212-213][19710815]{A trip to Scotland}[15th August 1971]

Sunday 15th August 1971.

            When I wrote the last paragraph we were staying with [NI], who is my mother’s cousin.  Her husband [S] was away.  Her daughter fell for B and they went out to play in the loft together.

            N lives in a half-converted farmhouse near [J], in a fairly lonely stretch of country not far from Edinburgh.  Although they live nearly a mile off a very minor loop road, she locks the car door at night.  She has a dog.

            It rained nearly the whole day in Edinburgh, and the traffic was not good.  While the others went to see Hollyrood House I visited KTN, who seemed in good form and unashamedly enjoyed ‘reminiscing’.  He has, as KQ reported, grown a moustache and become, as he admits, otherwise rather middle [sic].  I enjoyed seeing him again, very much.

            We took the Motorail south that evening.  They had not told us, on our ticket, when to arrive; we arrived early and found that our car was to go on an earlier train, which it just caught.  British Rail!  While we were waiting to get onto our platform I talked to a Canadian; it turned out that he was waiting for the wrong train.  M said later that he was interested only in me.  She is suspicious! -- what would she have said if the poor fellow had been interested only in her?  If the filthy fairy had tried to get into B’s and my sleeping compartment we would have called the nice kind black steward and would have had him thrown out.

            [PostedBlogger22082013]

{Helpers}[13th August 1971]

[Redbook1:212][19710813]{Helpers}[13th August 1971]

Friday 13th August 1971.

            There are some who seem to attract help, wanted or unwanted, in the same way that marmalade attracts wasps: they* buzz around it, and climb all over it with sticky feet, getting in the way.

*(i.e. the wasps!) <870809>

[PostedBlogger21082013]

[River.II.[xxvii]][28th July 1971ff]

[Redbook1:211C-T][19710728][River.II.[xxvii]][28th July 1971ff]

28.7.71.[and later][continued]

River.  II.

[continued]

[xxvii]

*

                                                    Slowly wading into deep water

                                                    Now the cool fingers hold me

                                                    And the green salt roaring fills my body

                                                    And my mind.

                                                    So I leave my country; yet

                                                    In earth and air and water burns the flame

                                                    Of grief and joy and longing: Love and Sorrow, shall we let

                                                    The Sea reclaim?

[PostedBlogger20082013]

[River.II.[xxvi]][28th July 1971ff]

[Redbook1:211C-T][19710728][River.II.[xxvi]][28th July 1971ff]

28.7.71.[and later][continued]

River.  II.

[continued]

[xxvi]

*

                                                            Slowly, rolling, rising waves!

*

[continues]

[PostedBlogger19082013]

[River.II.[xxv]][28th July 1971ff]

[Redbook1:211C-T][19710728][River.II.[xxv]][28th July 1971ff]

28.7.71.[and later][continued]

River.  II.

[continued]
[xxv]

*

                                                            Stored power, packed people,

                                                            Steel tower, church steeple:

                                                            What man finds, he depraves,

                                                            And he ruins what he saves,

                                                            Rising slowly from the waves.

*

[continues]

[PostedBlogger18082013]

[River.II.[xxiv]][28th July 1971ff]

[Redbook1:211C-T][19710728][River.II.[xxiv]][28th July 1971ff]

28.7.71.[and later][continued]

River.  II.

[continued]

[xxiv]

*

                                                                            Hesitating

                                                                            On the brink,

                                                                            Ever waiting,

                                                                            Will I sink

                                                                            Where I’m going

                                                                            I can’t think

                                                                            River flowing,

                                                                            Must I drink?

*

[continues]

[PostedBlogger17082013]

[River.II.[xxiii]][28th July 1971ff]

[Redbook1:211C-T][19710728][River.II.[xxiii]][28th July 1971ff]

28.7.71.[and later][continued]

River.  II.

[continued]

[xxiii]

*

                                                            Moving swiftly with the tide

                                                            Ships and cranes on either side:

                                                            Sailors fighting in an alley,

                                                            Dockers striking at a rally;

                                                            Two men in a boat, both drunk:

                                                            Now they’re sinking, now they’ve sunk;

                                                            In the South, the Navy’s glory;

                                                            In the North, another story;

                                                            On the left are docks and slums:

                                                            Marshes right, till new town comes.

*

[continues]

[PostedBlogger16082013]

[River.II.[xxii]][28th July 1971ff]

[Redbook1:211C-T][19710728][River.II.[xxii]][28th July 1971ff]

28.7.71.[and later][continued]

River.  II.

[continued]

[xxii]

*

                                                            Slowly, slowly, rain-mists fall

                                                            And my flood-tide swiftly flows

                                                            While the swooping sea-gulls call

                                                            And the sea-wind harder blows

                                                            And the air is growing cool

                                                            Through a mist of bitter tears

            Falling over London’s Pool,

            Michael, Fell-Child, swiftly peers.

            Now to us the thought comes clear:

            The Coaster, River-child!  Come here!

            So we recognise their power

            Turning quickly from the Tower

            And that power touches him

            Making brighter what was dim:

            His mind is opened, joining theirs;

            The brightness of their love will burn;

            He knows the World, its joys, its cares:

            ‘I love you, so, I will return.’

            Embracing him, they feel for me.

            So I bear them to the Sea.

*

[continues]

[PostedBlogger15082013]

[River.II.[xxi]][28th July 1971ff]

[Redbook1:211C-T][19710728][River.II.[xxi]][28th July 1971ff]

28.7.71.[and later][continued]

River.  II.

[continued]

[xxi]

*

                                                            Past St. Paul’s the millions trod

                                                            Sanctifying holy ground;

                                                            When I went to look for God

                                                            Church Police pushed me around.

                                                            Let them elevate their hosts:

                                                            Joy on earth comes from the brewers;

                                                            Mysticism? – London’s ghosts;

                                                            Deep and filled with life are sewers.

                                                            But Oh God, where are you now?

                                                            More than all I need you still.

                                                            Weight of years begins to bow

                                                            My ever-straining back, until

                                                            It snaps.  Oh God, have pity

                                                            On this little mortal, fleeing

                                                            From the terrors of your City,

                                                            Tiny splinter of your Being!

*

[continues]

[PostedBlogger14082013]

[River.II.[xx]][28th July 1971ff]

[Redbook1:211C-T][19710728][River.II.[xx]][28th July 1971ff]

28.7.71.[and later][continued]

River.  II.

[continued]

[xx]

*

                                                        Beneath their wheels the City quivers;

                                                        Unseen by them, my surface shivers.

*

[continues]

[PostedBlogger13082013]

[River.II.[xix]][28th July 1971ff]

[Redbook1:211C-T][19710728][River.II.[xix]][28th July 1971ff]

28.7.71.[and later][continued]

River.  II.

[continued]

[xix]

*

                                                                    Mother of Parliaments

                                                                    Now half the World laments

                                                                    Your headlong fall.

                                                                    Once you were glorious,

                                                                    Noble, victorious,

                                                                    Now you’re notorious,

                                                                    Boring us all.

*

[continues]

[PostedBlogger12082013]

[River.II.[xviii]][28th July 1971ff]

[Redbook1:211C-T][19710728][River.II.[xviii]][28th July 1971ff]

28.7.71.[and later][continued]

River.  II.

[continued]

[xviii]

*

                                                                Watch the River flowing,

                                                                Swiftly seaward going

                                                                Underneath his legs.

                                                                I am the dregs.

                                                                I am outcast.

                                                                I am last.

                                                                Love is all my crime:

                                                                I loved him, for a time.

                                                                Now I can only hate:

                                                                ‘Society’ chose my fate,

                                                                Society’s is the blame;

                                                                And mine, eternal shame.

*

[continues]

[PostedBlogger11082013]

[River.II.[xvii]][28th July 1971ff]

[Redbook1:211C-T][19710728][River.II.[xvii]][28th July 1971ff]

28.7.71.[and later][continued]

River.  II.

[continued]

[xvii]

*

                                                                My darling, so I love you

                                                                That when I hold you to me

                                                                And feel your heart beating,

                                                                Your breasts pressed against me,

                                                                Our bodies close together

                                                                (Your hair in my mouth and eyes)

                                                                Then for very tenderness and love

                                                                I could do anything.

                                                                Watch the river flowing.

                                                                Our love will never, never pall;

                                                                But oh, I wish you weren’t so tall!

*

[continues]

[PostedBlogger10082013]

[River.II.[xvi]][28th July 1971ff]

[Redbook1:211C-T][19710728][River.II.[xvi]][28th July 1971ff]

28.7.71.[and later][continued]

River.  II.

[continued]

[xvi]

*

                                                On our left, the face of the system;

                                                On our right its feet, which smell.

*

[continues]

[PostedBlogger09082013]

[River.II.[xv]][28th July 1971ff]

[Redbook1:211C-T][19710728][River.II.[xv]][28th July 1971ff]

28.7.71.[and later][continued]

River.  II.

[continued]

[xv]

*

                                                                Alone I stand

                                                                Chin in hand

                                                                Watching the water flow.

                                                                Can only be

                                                                One course for me

                                                                With nowhere left to go.

                                                                Through countless nights

                                                                Beneath the lights

                                                                I wandered far, alone.

                                                                The love I seek

                                                                Will no one speak?

                                                                I reap where we have sown.

                                                                So here I seek an end;

                                                                Now may the River send

                                                                My body to the Sea,

                                                                Where once I may be free.

*

[continues]

[PostedBlogger08082013]

[River.II.[xiv]][28th July 1971ff]

[Redbook1:211C-T][19710728][River.II.[xiv]][28th July 1971ff]

28.7.71.[and later][continued]

River.  II.

[continued]

[xiv]

*

                                                                The club on the river

                                                                Is swinging tonight

                                                                Life’s made for the liver

                                                                Let’s go and get tight.

*

[continues]

[PostedBlogger07082013]