{The Transport Problem}[28th November 1967]

[Redbook0:11-13] [19671128]{The Transport Problem}[28^th November 1967] [Age 16]

28.XI.67

The Transport Problem

            The transport problem as we know it today is the result of a giant planning boob.  I don’t mean that the roads were built wrong, or anything like that (though that is, indeed, true); I am referring to a much bigger boob – or rather, a series of boobs.

           

            The first boob is rather outside our control.  Somewhere in Creation, Someone was drawing up a list of qualities for the New Creation – man.  What exactly happened isn’t quite clear.  Perhaps someone jogged Someone Else’s arm; perhaps a naughty Cherub added an extra line and no-one noticed – or rather, Someone didn’t notice.  Anyway, man was given a new dormant quality (that is, a quality which sleeps until its time comes for waking up): the Desire to Get Away From It All.

            This Desire (I shall call it the D.T.G.A.F.I.A. – for short) is also known as the D.T. Gafia disease, in memory of the man who first found he had it.  Back in prehistory, one of the first Men thought of the very original notion of killing a mammoth.  After all, there it was – five tons of moving meat and bone weapons, just walking about waiting to be eaten.  So D.T. Gafia seized a sharp pole and went out to spear his first mammoth.  When he found a mammoth, he walked round for a bit looking for a place to prick.  After a few circuits he decided to try for the back leg – he was, you understand, rather inexperienced at the time – as this looked the least aware part of the creature which he could reach.  So he stabbed.

            Suddenly, he was seized by a violent desire, which he could not quite put a label to.  However, the desire took over; he found himself running as fast as he could away from the mammoth.  He had, of course, got the first bout of D.T. Gafia disease.  However, he had not long to congratulate himself.  He might have been having a Freudian nightmare; for as fast as he ran, he never seemed to be getting anywhere in relation to the mammoth.  Indeed, the mammoth was drawing nearer and nearer to him at every mammoth stride.

            Let us shed a quiet tear for D.T. Gafia, the discoverer of D.T. Gafia disease.  He did not die unlamented; at least, not by the mammoth, who got a nasty bone splinter in his foot.  In addition to discovering D.T. Gafia disease, he was responsible for the rise of the spectator sports of the period, which led to the later bear-baiting and bull-fighting.  For I forgot to mention that the whole tribe was sitting round the area, watching the effect of Gafia’s actions.